Lurking in the shadows of my heart

•July 28, 2014 • 1 Comment

The amount of times I’ve sat here, staring at this blog, wondering what to say. Then just closing it down and wandering off again. Countless times.

I have gotten out of the habit of talking honestly. Of actually being open and discussing what has been going on in my life. Because to be frank, it’s been a bit of a shitty pantomime and I haven’t wanted to talk about it at all. Even in the ‘real world’ I have barely told anyone, just a handful of friends. Because I’m sick of the drama, I’m embarrassed, I’m over it.

If nothing, my life has been consistently shit for the last couple of months. No, actually, this is not the case. There have been some wonderful bright moments, they’ve just been wholly outweighed by the depth of the crap.

I still, really, don’t want to discuss any of it. There’s just too much pain involved. But I’ve drawn a line in the sand and I’m moving on, for my own sanity and because a person can only take so much disappointment and hurt in one life time.

So I’m here, I’m reading everyone else’s blogs, commenting when I have the brain space. But I’ve been very withdrawn from the world, and I’m attempting to reverse this.

I did finally get my new tattoo a few weeks ago, I am so pleased with it. It took around 6 hours to complete, with a break for lunch. Ben, my tattooist, is wonderful, his work is so neat and clean. He did my quote too, and it’s still looking marvellous.

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My car is still lovely, I am really enjoying driving her around. I love the growl of the Subaru engine! I’ve been spending a lot of time with my niece, my sister is due for her second in around 6 weeks. Kids are such wonderful things, I love nothing better than just immersing myself in my niece’s world and having a blast with her. A few weekends ago we went to Ikea and wrestled on the beds, sat in all the chairs and just created nuisances of ourselves. This last weekend I occupied her whilst my sister and her partner had an appointment at the big blue hardware shed. She fills my heart with love, and I need as much of that as I can get right now.

toast & jam faced toddler!

toast & jam faced toddler!

 

Why

•July 8, 2014 • 6 Comments

Sometimes I wonder why I am the one who speaks up. It does get tiring and I often wish others would stand up and say something.

But today, just now, I was shown why sometimes you have to be that person.

I’m home fending off a migraine by the way, and I have a sore throat. I’m hoping that things just stay as they are, but I’m having huge hyperosmia and all the smells are triggering the hell out of me right now.

Anyway, back to the story.

We have a long long driveway here, with the units down both sides. It’s about 200m long, I live almost at the end of it. Wait, I have a picture somewhere, lemme find it…

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There you go. This is from about half way down. As you can see, there are no cars parked on the driveway, which is how it’s meant to be. We get letters every 6 months or so reminding us that we are only allowed to park in the designated spots, the driveway not being one of them. But people mostly ignore it. When you get home you weave your way in and out of the cars, mostly people use common sense.

Until my neighbours moved in. They’re opposite me, so park almost out the front of my unit. It means that it takes me 2 moves to get into my carport when they’re parked there. It doesn’t bother me that much, but it annoys my neighbour (next to me, we share a carport) as he’s older and finds it more difficult in his 4wd. When they first moved in I quickly discovered they all seem to do a rotating roster driving taxis. They’d park in the driveway, blocking it completely, reluctantly moving if you tooted them. So I complained. That was 3 months ago. Recently they’ve taken to coming home around 2.30am and sitting outside, engine running, music on, talking, laughing, lights shining into our units. They did it twice over the last 4 days and I got furious. So I complained again, long and hard. Bugger them, I can put up with so much, but you fuck with my sleep I’ll fuck with you.

Anyway, thankfully it appears as though the real estate has done their thing, as they are now parking down the end of the driveway, where there’s a big space for about 6 cars. It’s a 20 metre walk from their house.

I spotted my elderly neighbour earlier and went out to tell him the good news. He thanked me profusely, telling me that he’s been diagnosed with a heart valve condition and had been in hospital recently. He said it was stressing him out with the cars parked where they were, that an ambulance may not be able to make it to him. The poor thing. His English isn’t wonderful, and I’m sure he wouldn’t know who to complain to if he wanted to. So I’m really glad that I made the effort. I told him to knock on my door any time he needed anything, I don’t want to lose him as my neighbour.

So this is why you have to speak up, because others who are less able to may suffer if you don’t.

Speedy Sunday

•July 6, 2014 • 4 Comments

Just a speedy update, I’m zonked

Idris arrived last week and she’s an absolute pleasure to drive. I’ll do some proper pics of her at some stage.

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I’ve been loving my new camera/lens and have taken some good shots with it. Shame it’s winter and generally dreary out. Can’t wait til we have flowers and bugs and insects about again. Still learning it all, but enjoying photography again. Just a reminder my flickr page is here. You won’t see the restricted stuff unless you have an account (which you can get for free).

The work situation is resolved, but I will be looking elsewhere. I don’t appreciate disloyalty and people who don’t pay attention.

Le Tour de France started last night and I stayed up late to watch it. My fave sprinter crashed out in the dying seconds of the first stage and is out for the entire tour. Gutted. Bring on the sleep dep!

5 days til new ink!

Toddler selfies rock, especially when Aunty Fen looks like a sheepdog!

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in hiding?

•July 1, 2014 • 5 Comments

Well not really, just going through a lot of changes and upheaval in my life, but can’t really talk about it just yet. I feel like my life is in flux, I am sick of not knowing what is going on. Work is shitty, I’m over the mind games.  C’est la vie.

I am still waiting for my new car to arrive, but Subaru gave me a brand new loan car (an Outback) to borrow in the interim. I affectionately call it The Beast and it is a pleasure to drive. A little greedy on the fuel, and woah is it big. Well compared to my tiny Yaris!

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Hopefully I’ll receive a phone call tomorrow letting me know that my car is ready to be picked up. She’s going to be called Idris. Because she’s tardis blue. Doctor Who fans will understand.

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I finally upgraded my camera on the weekend and I am ever so impressed. I only wish it wasn’t almost dark when I got home, I’m hanging out to go out and take photos.  I am going to be shooting a wedding in New Zealand next February, so I gots lots of time to learn how this new camera works. So far I’m completely smitten.

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So, over the next month I may find myself out of a job, in a new job, in a different role, with a new tattoo, still single (definitely not discussing this one, too painful, too raw, too heart breaking), with a new car, locked up for my own safety, sitting in a corner talking to myself, and other stuff that I can’t remember.

I would give anything right now for things just to be simple. For people I love to be well and happy, for my life to turn out the way I wanted it to. But that’s not how things ever work for me, so not sure why I keep dreaming.

I will just keep plodding along, doing the things that make me smile, seeking out those who make me happy. Because life is too short to be unhappy.

 

Attempting to buy a new car

•June 8, 2014 • 7 Comments

Slowly, over the last few weeks, or even months, I made up my mind to trade my car in and get a new one. My current little Yaris has been faultless and has served me very well over the last 3 or so years. But it had gotten to the point whereby I had to decide whether to keep it until it got old or trade it in for a new car. Given I’ve had so much going on in my life lately, I thought I’d add to the noise and go new car shopping.  I knew that car shopping could be painful, however I didn’t anticipate some of the ridiculousness I encountered yesterday.

I enlisted the help of a male friend, coz let’s face it, we’ve all heard the stories of how car salespeople treat women. Plus it’s nice to have someone to give a second opinion as a passenger etc.  We headed off mid morning full of anticipation.

First up was SUBARU, coz they’re just down the road. A work colleague recently purchased an Impreza (that I keep admiring and peering into) and I have previously owned 2 subarus, so I have a soft spot for them. I was greeted as I walked in and a sales lady came to see what she could help us with. I told her I was interested in the Impreza and would like a test drive. She ascertained that I preferred a manual and got to organising a car for me to drive. Meanwhile I filled in paperwork and looked at the showroom model.  The test drive car turned up and I was handed the keys and off we went. I must note, that not at any dealership do the sales people come on the test drive with you. I was surprised at this, but also thankful. We hooted up and down the road putting the car through its paces. I felt comfortable and the car was familiar. I really liked it.

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When we got back they grabbed my current car to have a look at for a trade in price and we sat and spoke to their finance guy. I didn’t like him at all. He was brash and a bit of a dick! As my friend said, you just wanted to slap him on his bald spot. He went through the finance side and I wrote down all my facts and figures. Next up was a different sales guy, who was there during the week – he was much calmer and more relatable. We chatted with him for quite a while. The trade in price they came up with was low, but close to what we imagined they’d say. The salesman did however say that they could be moved on this price as I told him that there was no way I’d trade in for their offer! No pressure to make the decision on the day, they were happy to let me go armed with my brochures and numbers. Overall I was pretty happy.

Over the road was HYUNDAI. They had a deal on their i30 Trophy (limited edition) which turned out to be so limited that they didn’t have a manual in stock and the sales guy we encountered couldn’t have cared any less. He was so blasé he didn’t even bother to show me anything else, telling me they only had automatics in stock because that’s what 90% of their sales were. Given I wanted a manual I walked out of there shaking my head. Epic fail Hyundai sales man.

So just up the road, VOLKSWAGEN were next. I’d already encountered their awful website that was full of broken links and errors, so I wasn’t hopeful. As we walked into the showroom a sales guy greeted us and after I told him I wanted to see the Golf, disappeared. So we found the showroom model and crawled through it. Someone else asked us if we were interested in it, then went out and grabbed the initial sales guy. As he came back towards us he said “weren’t you here the other day?”. I scowled at him and said, no, that was 5 minutes ago when you fobbed us off and disappeared. This guys attitude could not have been more careless. He only spoke to my friend, which pissed me off massively. I even told him it was my car we were trading in and it was me who was purchasing the new car, yet the entire time, he addressed my friend. Thankfully he was quick in finding us keys to drive a Golf and we took off. If it weren’t for the fact that the car was a pleasure to drive, I wouldn’t have even bothered. We dealt with the finance guy, who was just as arrogant and bagged every other car we talked about. I find this really unprofessional. If you have to stoop to rubbishing the competitors then your product mustn’t be all that it’s cracked up to be. No one else did this. They had no brochures to give me and even after I asked them to email me one I got nothing. I’m still waiting Volkswagen! This experience was by far the standout worst of the day, nothing even came close to being as bad as this. The attitude of everyone we dealt with stunk and they appeared to only care about the male species, despite the fact that I made it 100% clear I was buying. Oh and they glanced at my car for a trade in then asked what others had offered, so I bumped the price up. Which they happily said they’d match. Unfortunately for them, I won’t be going back.

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TOYOTA was last on the list for the day and I didn’t need to test drive the car (a Corolla Sport Hatch) as I drive them for work. We had a pleasant young female sales person who was likeable and funny. She ran through everything and got my little Yaris valued. Their valuation was on par with Subaru’s and they wouldn’t budge. We met with their finance guy after a lot of talking about nothing and went round in circles about what price I was after and what they could do. This actually pissed me off, because when it came to the crunch they really offered nothing. And they kept pressuring me to make a decision there and then, saying their “offer” may not last! Pfffft. It pissed me off even more when I got home and realised the starting price of the new car was $1K more expensive than advertised on their website. I expect they will ring me during the week and I will tell them how annoyed I am with the whole experience. Needless to say, I’m pretty certain I won’t be buying anything from them, despite the fact that my last 2 cars were Toyotas.

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We finished up and came home, completely brain drained and baffled. I’ve got to say though, we laughed a hell of a lot at the whole day, it really was quite comical how it all works and the shit they try to spin you. Time and time again I would say to them, I’m only interested in figures, I don’t care what else you have to say about your safety rating or what some american survey says about your company.  I went in with a completely open mind, and kept it that way right until we got home.

I’m 90% sure I will go with the Subaru. I just need to see what they can do for me. I might even go to a different Subaru dealer and see what they can offer too.

2 years, or almost 4 years…

•May 29, 2014 • 18 Comments

Depending on which way you look at it, it’s been almost 4 years since my original surgery and 2 years since the second round. Confusing? Yeah. I did a bunch of pictures that make a little more sense. Shame I don’t seem to have one at one year after surgery number two. Not to worry.

We’ll start with the blank canvas. My abdomen as it was, long ago:

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This was the tumour, around 10cm or the size of a grapefruit

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So then we had complications and more surgery:

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PHEW!!!!

I’ve healed ever so well on the outside. On the inside I’m not too bad. I’ve got a LOT of adhesions, but my scar tissue is amazingly pretty good considering I’ve been opened up twice along the same scar.

For those interested, here are some links to the initial posts. Surgery 2010 / Surgery 2012 / Thoughts on everything

Health wise, well, I’ve gone two years without growing anything else. My digestive system is pretty much shot. I react badly to a lot of foods, I have days where I can barely keep food in/down. The goal posts appear to move all the time as to what I can and cannot eat, but I cope. It is what it is and I can’t do much to change it. I can’t drink alcohol, I can’t eat fatty foods (hey, not such a bad thing!), fibre isn’t too kind on my body, nor are fruits. I just make do with things, I can’t complain really.

I’ve grown to admire and even love my battle scarred body. Considering what it went through over a two year period and the fact that a couple of times I nearly didn’t make it, I’m feeling pretty healthy and strong. Amazing what the human body can endure.

Unconventional

•May 24, 2014 • 2 Comments

I get swept away
When I think of you
Take me to that place
Where it’s control I lose

I’m soothed by you, you take it all away
I lose to you, surrendered at the start of the game

I’ll never deceive
I’m right here, I’ll always be

Hide away, I hide away with you
I let the world just slip away
And I’m left with you

You light up the sky, unshadow the moon
The moments we share
Always end too soon

Part of you stays a while
Even when you’re far away
How so far away, yet you feel so near

 

 

One of the issues around what has happened lately was me placing ‘normal’ rules on our relationship. It was never going to be normal, we are both as far from normal, or conventional, as you’re going to get. He told me ‘we’ were okay, that I had nothing to worry about. What he did wasn’t wonderful, but it happened. And I think because I expect things to be like everyone elses experiences, that I struggled with it.

Society expects us to be a certain way. And we’re not. And it’s really difficult to live outside that expectation, because other people just don’t get it. Unconventional relationships that are made all the more difficult by our own and societies expectations, all mixed up together. We need to let go and just enjoy the good times and ride out the rest. Because at the end of the day I think it’s worth it. It’s more than worth it. For me anyway.

Plus I’m a bit of a control freak, and letting things just be is something I really really battle with.  So this is me attempting to let it all go. I may or may not blog through it. I am wary of opening things up to scrutiny for the above reasons. Unconventional ways of being cause people to say hurtful things when they don’t know the full story. It’s my life and I’m living it my way. I never did things like anyone else anyway, so why change.

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