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•October 7, 2014 • Comments Off

Processing the last 2 days

All that I’ve seen and heard and felt.

Letting go.

Grieving.

I’d forgotten the essence of you. All those little things that made you so unique. They’d been replaced by anger and hurt.

I know we have no option. I understand the enormity of what you’re going through.

But I care about you, I will always care. I still love you too, even though I can no longer speak those words.

To see you so broken and dysfunctional breaks my heart. But I realise you’ve come a long way since last we met. You’ve got so far to go. I worry you won’t make it so great is your trauma and suffering.

You ask me if I’ll be okay and I tell you I will. Eventually. I just need time to grieve and to let go of you. I need time to process the hurt. The anger has gone. I remember all those reasons you impacted so deeply in the first place. The reasons why I now find it so hard to watch you leave again.

You can’t see what I see, you doubt yourself so much. So deep is that betrayal that it has robbed you of your esteem and your self worth. I wish I could just lie in your arms forever and tell you how wonderful you really are. But I know you can’t believe it.

Maybe some day you’ll find your happy place, somewhere you fit in, somewhere that doesn’t make you anxious and want to escape so badly. You, of all people, deserve that.  I asked you how it was possible for you to see into my soul, but I understand, because I can see into yours. So tortured and uncertain and broken.  You said you wished you could show me what was in your mind, but I know that would destroy me. I’m not as strong as you. You’ve endured so very much in your life time.

I won’t say goodbye. I don’t do those.

Until we meet again, you’ll always be in my heart & my thoughts.

 

Monday Madness

•September 29, 2014 • 6 Comments

Hullo. Is there anyone out there that can forgive me for not posting very often? My life is the usual circus, I just don’t have the energy to write about it. I want to, but it’s complicated and hard to explain and, well, I don’t want people to judge me.

7 months ago I met, and fell, rather quickly and deeply in love with a boy. A very complicated person who warned me from day one that things could get messy. That was the understatement of the year. I’ve been through incredible highs and devastating lows. There’s no end to the story because he just disappeared off the face of the earth. I had contact 3 weeks ago and now nothing. To be fair to him, he was remarkably unwell and not coping with his own life. I tried not to let it impact upon me, but let’s face it, when someone you love owns struggle town, you kinda become a citizen without realising. I’ve anguished and agonised and cried a lot. I’ve also distracted myself to the best of my abilities. But the time has come whereby I have to let go and move on and hope that he’s okay, because waiting for someone who may or may not turn up in your life again sucks. Pure and simple. A teeny tiny part of me hopes that some day he will appear again and I’ll get to find out if he’s okay and how he’s doing and just what happened. But for now, and for my own sanity, I’m letting go once and for all.

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Part of my distraction(s) have been pushing myself to get out and amongst things. I’ve been hanging out with lots of different people, leaning on them, crying on their shoulders, snotting up their clothing. I’ve been building myself a website – Fenstar Images and trying to push myself with regard to my photography.

I’ve been hanging out with my sister a lot, I became an Aunty again to a beautiful baby boy. Baby cuddles and toddler madness can be very therapeutic.

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Aunty Fen

If you didn’t listen to my last voice post, then you won’t know that I am going overseas in November. It’s coming up fast! I’m slightly panicky that I won’t have enough money by then, but it is what it is. I booked the cats into Bayside Cat Resort on the weekend after having a tour. The set up there is amazing, so well looked after and clean. I have no hesitation of leaving my two there. I have my passports, I have a bag, I have a jacket. The rest is being organised in my cluttered brain!

I’ve had a migraine on and off for over a week. Last weekend it was horrid, then yesterday (Sunday) it came back with a vengeance and I was dry retching and groaning from the pain. This one was a light sensitive one, light hurt my brainbox. Today I’m still feeling really average, the pain is coming and going, but hopefully it will recede into my memory.

I’ve had someone I’ve leaned on a lot more than others over the last month or so, someone who was from my past. Someone who I found I was completely at ease around and comfortable with sharing my stories. I had hardly told anyone what had been going on. This person has gone away for a few weeks and I have this strange mix of feelings that I am completely unsure and blind sided by. I don’t deal well with people leaving, this much I know. But I’m not sure why I can’t just cope with things. Why this has been difficult for me. I have such a hard time trusting after all that has gone on, irrationally I feel like I won’t ever see this person again, that I have lost them from my life. I want to rant and rave and cry. I need to learn to trust people again, but after last time I’m not sure I ever will. The ache and the chasm left behind is too huge, even at this point. My leaning post helped me to feel like all was not lost and that not everyone was out to break my heart into a million pieces. But I feel like I am grieving all over again. I want to withdraw from the world. I hate my irrational side so very much.

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Think of how lucky you are to have someone you can be completely comfortable around, that is a true gift and one that should be cherished at all times.

Appreciate all the things you have in life because you never know when that time will end. Clear the clutter inside your mind and realise what you have right now. Don’t wait until you’ve lost it to finally see how much you took it for granted. Don’t wait until you realise that without it, your foundation to make it through each day begins to crumble.

Boo!

•September 12, 2014 • 2 Comments

I know, I know, it’s been a while. My apologies. To make it up to you I’ve done a voice post with my ever so sexy husky post cold voice. It’s well worth listening to. Ha ha. Maybe.

I’ll try not to leave it quite so long between posts next time. ;)

Lurking in the shadows of my heart

•July 28, 2014 • 1 Comment

The amount of times I’ve sat here, staring at this blog, wondering what to say. Then just closing it down and wandering off again. Countless times.

I have gotten out of the habit of talking honestly. Of actually being open and discussing what has been going on in my life. Because to be frank, it’s been a bit of a shitty pantomime and I haven’t wanted to talk about it at all. Even in the ‘real world’ I have barely told anyone, just a handful of friends. Because I’m sick of the drama, I’m embarrassed, I’m over it.

If nothing, my life has been consistently shit for the last couple of months. No, actually, this is not the case. There have been some wonderful bright moments, they’ve just been wholly outweighed by the depth of the crap.

I still, really, don’t want to discuss any of it. There’s just too much pain involved. But I’ve drawn a line in the sand and I’m moving on, for my own sanity and because a person can only take so much disappointment and hurt in one life time.

So I’m here, I’m reading everyone else’s blogs, commenting when I have the brain space. But I’ve been very withdrawn from the world, and I’m attempting to reverse this.

I did finally get my new tattoo a few weeks ago, I am so pleased with it. It took around 6 hours to complete, with a break for lunch. Ben, my tattooist, is wonderful, his work is so neat and clean. He did my quote too, and it’s still looking marvellous.

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My car is still lovely, I am really enjoying driving her around. I love the growl of the Subaru engine! I’ve been spending a lot of time with my niece, my sister is due for her second in around 6 weeks. Kids are such wonderful things, I love nothing better than just immersing myself in my niece’s world and having a blast with her. A few weekends ago we went to Ikea and wrestled on the beds, sat in all the chairs and just created nuisances of ourselves. This last weekend I occupied her whilst my sister and her partner had an appointment at the big blue hardware shed. She fills my heart with love, and I need as much of that as I can get right now.

toast & jam faced toddler!

toast & jam faced toddler!

 

Why

•July 8, 2014 • 6 Comments

Sometimes I wonder why I am the one who speaks up. It does get tiring and I often wish others would stand up and say something.

But today, just now, I was shown why sometimes you have to be that person.

I’m home fending off a migraine by the way, and I have a sore throat. I’m hoping that things just stay as they are, but I’m having huge hyperosmia and all the smells are triggering the hell out of me right now.

Anyway, back to the story.

We have a long long driveway here, with the units down both sides. It’s about 200m long, I live almost at the end of it. Wait, I have a picture somewhere, lemme find it…

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There you go. This is from about half way down. As you can see, there are no cars parked on the driveway, which is how it’s meant to be. We get letters every 6 months or so reminding us that we are only allowed to park in the designated spots, the driveway not being one of them. But people mostly ignore it. When you get home you weave your way in and out of the cars, mostly people use common sense.

Until my neighbours moved in. They’re opposite me, so park almost out the front of my unit. It means that it takes me 2 moves to get into my carport when they’re parked there. It doesn’t bother me that much, but it annoys my neighbour (next to me, we share a carport) as he’s older and finds it more difficult in his 4wd. When they first moved in I quickly discovered they all seem to do a rotating roster driving taxis. They’d park in the driveway, blocking it completely, reluctantly moving if you tooted them. So I complained. That was 3 months ago. Recently they’ve taken to coming home around 2.30am and sitting outside, engine running, music on, talking, laughing, lights shining into our units. They did it twice over the last 4 days and I got furious. So I complained again, long and hard. Bugger them, I can put up with so much, but you fuck with my sleep I’ll fuck with you.

Anyway, thankfully it appears as though the real estate has done their thing, as they are now parking down the end of the driveway, where there’s a big space for about 6 cars. It’s a 20 metre walk from their house.

I spotted my elderly neighbour earlier and went out to tell him the good news. He thanked me profusely, telling me that he’s been diagnosed with a heart valve condition and had been in hospital recently. He said it was stressing him out with the cars parked where they were, that an ambulance may not be able to make it to him. The poor thing. His English isn’t wonderful, and I’m sure he wouldn’t know who to complain to if he wanted to. So I’m really glad that I made the effort. I told him to knock on my door any time he needed anything, I don’t want to lose him as my neighbour.

So this is why you have to speak up, because others who are less able to may suffer if you don’t.

Speedy Sunday

•July 6, 2014 • 4 Comments

Just a speedy update, I’m zonked

Idris arrived last week and she’s an absolute pleasure to drive. I’ll do some proper pics of her at some stage.

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I’ve been loving my new camera/lens and have taken some good shots with it. Shame it’s winter and generally dreary out. Can’t wait til we have flowers and bugs and insects about again. Still learning it all, but enjoying photography again. Just a reminder my flickr page is here. You won’t see the restricted stuff unless you have an account (which you can get for free).

The work situation is resolved, but I will be looking elsewhere. I don’t appreciate disloyalty and people who don’t pay attention.

Le Tour de France started last night and I stayed up late to watch it. My fave sprinter crashed out in the dying seconds of the first stage and is out for the entire tour. Gutted. Bring on the sleep dep!

5 days til new ink!

Toddler selfies rock, especially when Aunty Fen looks like a sheepdog!

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in hiding?

•July 1, 2014 • 5 Comments

Well not really, just going through a lot of changes and upheaval in my life, but can’t really talk about it just yet. I feel like my life is in flux, I am sick of not knowing what is going on. Work is shitty, I’m over the mind games.  C’est la vie.

I am still waiting for my new car to arrive, but Subaru gave me a brand new loan car (an Outback) to borrow in the interim. I affectionately call it The Beast and it is a pleasure to drive. A little greedy on the fuel, and woah is it big. Well compared to my tiny Yaris!

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Hopefully I’ll receive a phone call tomorrow letting me know that my car is ready to be picked up. She’s going to be called Idris. Because she’s tardis blue. Doctor Who fans will understand.

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I finally upgraded my camera on the weekend and I am ever so impressed. I only wish it wasn’t almost dark when I got home, I’m hanging out to go out and take photos.  I am going to be shooting a wedding in New Zealand next February, so I gots lots of time to learn how this new camera works. So far I’m completely smitten.

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So, over the next month I may find myself out of a job, in a new job, in a different role, with a new tattoo, still single (definitely not discussing this one, too painful, too raw, too heart breaking), with a new car, locked up for my own safety, sitting in a corner talking to myself, and other stuff that I can’t remember.

I would give anything right now for things just to be simple. For people I love to be well and happy, for my life to turn out the way I wanted it to. But that’s not how things ever work for me, so not sure why I keep dreaming.

I will just keep plodding along, doing the things that make me smile, seeking out those who make me happy. Because life is too short to be unhappy.

 

 
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