relationships stream of consciousness

•April 18, 2014 • Comments Off

I am so awful at relationships. Seriously. I sabotage, because I fear loss, I fear being abandoned. I fear losing people so badly that I wreck things so that I’m the one to blame. I so need to change this part of me.

The rest of my life I am in control, I am strong. When it comes to relationships I second guess and I destroy things. Horrible.

I need to fix this, because this time I don’t want to annihilate it all.  This time I want to give things a proper go without fucking it up single-handedly. This time, this one, he’s worth it. I need to be able to not push him away, or make him leave, because of my own inner demons.

Losing my Mum changed me in many ways. Both good and bad. But the main thing within me that changed was fearing loss. A year before my Mum died we lost Joel, my neighbour, who was like my little brother. He suicided. No one was ever really sure why. This was the start of the change in me, and after losing Mum it got out of control.  I’m not sure if I ever grieved properly. I became clinically depressed, was on high doses of antidepressants for 5 years, I became more anxious than I’d ever been. I went to the UK and learned to live again. I started rebuilding myself.

But relationships I just didn’t bother with. I couldn’t. I’m still not sure that I can do them. They freak me out. I feel suddenly completely vulnerable and it makes me squirm. All the good things are amazing, don’t get me wrong. But my fears eventually get the better of me. And if I don’t freak out completely, I freak the other person out and they leave me.  I can’t blame someone for something that is within me.

But how do you mend something if you’re alone?  I need to fix this whilst I am IN a relationship. I need to stop being such a control freak, stop pushing people away, stop giving in to the demons that plague my subconscious.

I need the strength to do this, I have the resources. It’s worth it, I don’t want this to end the way everything else has, with me being alone.

I’ve met someone who is from the same planet as me, someone who gets me, who is fascinating, who is amazing, who makes me feel a thousand different things at once. I don’t want to fuck things up because I can’t deal with my own shit. But it’s so hard, I have such a dysfunctional way of doing things.

No one is perfect, this much I know, and I am far from it. He’s not perfect either. I feel overwhelmed, I feel like I am unable to stop myself from making things ridiculous. I feel like I will drown him in my shit and he will run away.  I need to breathe. I need to learn. I need to stop repeating bad habits.

Someone’s past doesn’t scare me, I am not bothered by all the stories, because that’s what they are to me. It’s my own future that scares me. I just want to be able to go with it and let things play out. I want to enjoy. I want to be happy. I want to love.

Two major fears frequently show up in relationships: the fear of abandonment or loss of partner and the fear of engulfment or loss of self. Ironically, we tend to choose a partner with the opposite fear. Often people with abandonment issues will choose partners who have engulfment issues. And so the dance begins, with one pursuing and the other withdrawing.

When our buttons are pushed and our fears bubble to the top, we tend to try to protect ourselves by attempting to control our partner’s behavior. We think that if our partner would just be sensitive to our needs and either give us the space or the closeness that we need then we would be happy. In reality, our partner cannot ever completely satisfy our needs, especially if their needs are in conflict with our own.The trick is to acknowledge and allow our selves to feel the fear. When we can accept and even welcome our feelings, we can begin to look behind the fear to learn more about ourselves. Chances are these fears are related to experiences from our early life. We have developed a pattern of relating to others that we hope will protect us from experiencing the repetition of past hurts. The truth is that we will continue to re-experience past hurts, until we heal what is inside of us. We cannot possibly arrange the outside world to constantly meet our needs. We must learn to meet those needs for our self. As we do we can begin to give our self the gift of peace. We can learn to hang on to our self and be comfortable with closeness without feeling like we will lose our self. Or we can learn to hang on to our self and be comfortable with absence without feeling abandoned.

True words. I need to learn. I need to heal. I need to grow. And I need to do it before I lose someone that I truly care about.

 

Tin Foil Hat Time

•April 17, 2014 • 2 Comments

There’s a lot of debate about Smart Meters in the press from time to time. I’d never honestly given it much thought. Until now.

Our meter boards here are shared. One board for two joined units. The meter board is pretty much directly behind where I sleep.

We had our first smart meters installed months ago. That was my meter, for my unit. Nothing out of the ordinary to report since it was installed, other than it removed the clicking and pinging of the old meter, which would startle me in the night sometimes. However since the second meter has been installed (for the adjoining unit), things have been strange…

Someone, a few years back, gave me an egg clock thing. It sits on my bedside table, showing me the temperature. I have the modes locked so that it can’t be accidentally changed.  As you can see from the pic, it lights up if you touch the top (but not when the modes are locked, which mine is). I noticed a while back that if you put a mobile phone close enough to it, when a call comes through or an sms, it will light up. Obviously the signal sets it off. egg

Now, as the electricians were installing this additional smart meter, my egg was going berserk. On and off, lighting up, changing modes by itself, driving me bonkers.  I figured it would settle down once the work was completed and they’d gone home. Not so.

It lights up all the bloody time. It randomly changes mode, despite it being locked. Some nights it’s like a bloody disco is going off in my bedroom and it’s all I can do not to throw it out the window. Which of course is an easy fix. If I move the egg to another part of my room or the house, it’s fine, it doesn’t light up, it doesn’t change mode.

The question is, what on earth have they done to my electricity to make the installation of a new smart meter have this effect on my stupid egg? And what is this doing to my brain?

Does anyone have a pattern for making tin foil night caps?

Touched

•April 11, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Alex & his satellite dish

•April 8, 2014 • 1 Comment

Alex has had his satellite dish on for nearly a week now. It’s fair to say it’s driving both him and me crazy.

Contrary to popular belief, Alex’s grass seed did not enter his skin externally. Alex loves to ‘mow the grass’ and the vet is certain that this is how the grass seed entered his neck/jaw area. Originally the swelling was very much near his back tooth, hence why they removed it in the first surgery. Obviously we know now what was going on.

The poor boy tries to scratch his chin about a million times a day, which results in claws on plastic. A little distracting!! The vet wants it on for another 6 days, I’m not sure either of us will last that long! Ha ha.  He’s very sooky and of course loves to have his face scratched now coz he can’t do it himself.

Anyway, the main thing is he’s on the improve.

In not so wonderful news, the boy I was seeing is going away for 6+ weeks and I’m feeling a little distraught. So I could do with some distractions in the interim. *sigh*

absent me

•April 2, 2014 • 3 Comments

Apologies, I’ve been rather absent lately, from all my usual internet haunts.

It’s possible I may have met someone and am spending all my spare time gazing at this person.

Also spending all my money on the bonkers cat who had a grass seed embedded in his neck, to the tune of almost $1500.

So you see, one has become a hermit of sorts.

I miss you all, however my blog reader is now bursting at the seams and I am rather daunted at it all.

April is my birthday month and I have holidays coming up. I shall return with more words at some stage.

Monday Musings

•March 3, 2014 • 2 Comments

I pinched this from Fi, but I can’t link you to her blog coz it’s private. Suffice to say, she’s lovely.

Making :: Noise. Coz I can. Currently listening to Tool.
Cooking :: not a lot, I have a bug and it makes eating painful and awkward.
Drinking :: iced tea, it’s my new addiction
Reading :: Forged with Flames, though it is hard as it’s about Ash Wednesday and it brings back memories
Wanting :: to go to Berlin
Looking :: ever so casual and messy
Playing :: dumb
Deciding :: what to eat for dinner, the eternal question that drives me nuts
Wasting :: money on vet visits.
Wishing :: I had more money.
Enjoying :: Laughing at things on the internets.
Waiting :: For so many things, that never seem to happen.
Liking :: The warmth of the day.
Wondering :: Where to from here.
Loving :: My new ink.
Pondering :: Directions.
Considering :: Why my lower back is so sore.
Watching :: The light of the day change.
Hoping :: The tablets the GP put me on fix my stomach woes actually work
Marvelling :: At all the pics.
Needing :: Cuddles.
Smelling :: My deodorant, it’s fresh.
Wearing :: Jeans & a tank top, no socks.
Following :: My nose, as always.
Noticing :: That I look skinnier today, because my digestive system won’t keep food in.
Knowing :: Things change.
Thinking :: About sex, always.
Feeling :: The need for human touch and warmth
Admiring :: People who go out and make things happen, who know what they want.
Sorting :: Through my mind.
Buying :: Anaesthetic and surgery for my cat
Getting :: Annoyed at people who are flakey
Disliking :: My digestive system
Opening :: The window and feeling the warm breeze. I’m going to miss Summer
Feeling :: Primal
Snacking :: Nope, too dangerous
Coveting :: A new tattoo
Hearing :: The radio, birds, neighbours, the ‘burbs

Alex is off to the vets for surgery tomorrow. They’re pretty sure he has root canal issues in one of his teeth. He’s started to get unwell again. So I’m going to have to sell my soul or something to pay for that. Poor thing. It so freaks him out when he has to go to the vets.

I went to the human vets today, aka the GP. I’ve been having issues with my digestives for a while now and it’s slowly getting worse. The doc thinks I may have a bug, so I’m on tablet things to dealio. I’m hoping they work because I am well and truly over feeling super unwell when I eat, not to mention all the other unmentionables!

Five birthdays in four days

•February 24, 2014 • 4 Comments

This weekend was the annual weekend of birthdays. Two 70ths, two 30 somethings and one 1st. Saturday night was a dinner for my Father with his nearest and dearest. It was a lovely night at Slippery Jacks, a restaurant in Beaconsfield. My Father is an ex teacher and a lot of his teacher friends I have known since I was a wee thing, so it was lovely to see some of them again.

Sunday we made the journey down to Flinders, to the house of our old next door neighbours, formerly from Upper Beaconsfield. The weather was picture perfect, as was the house and gardens. A wonderful afternoon was had by all. There are a lot of photos on my flickr account if you’re interested. I shall post a couple here.

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Pippa choosing a football team

Pippa choosing a football team

I was going to attempt to go to White Night on Saturday night, but after seeing Andrew’s tweet about the trams being extremely difficult to get onto, and the fact that I had to get up at a reasonable hour on Sunday, I gave up the idea pretty quickly. The photos of the displays looked lovely!!

I also got new ink on Friday night, from the lovely Ben @ the Piercing Urge. I am very impressed with his work. We’re in discussions regarding my next piece!

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Is it the weekend yet? I’m tired already!

 
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