So, December 1, we meet again.
I’ve been feeling really unsettled this week. I’ve had an ear infection and have been feeling meh and flat.
This time of the year always makes me question my life. I am acutely aware of not having my Mum in my life, some years I am good, some years I struggle a little. This year we have some of the latter.
I believe I am a fairly well adjusted, resilient, interesting person who doesn’t have too many hang ups and hasn’t been beaten too badly with the ugly stick. However my lack of “relations” would tell me otherwise. Maybe I have my own personal barriers erected. I just don’t know anymore. Most of the time I’m happy plodding along with my own life, but from time to time I feel like I’ve done something really wrong to be so alone in the world. Be mindful that being alone and lonely are two different things, I’m certainly not lonely. I feel like I live a good life and do most of the things I want. I just want to share my days with someone. I want to have someone to come home to, to cook dinner for, or to cook dinner for me (that’s more like it), curl up on the couch and watch the tellybox or listen to the wireless.
I look at people around me and really begin to question why. I believe I am a pretty good person to know. I have empathy in bucket loads, I am fairly humorous, really easy going, I don’t get stressed out by much. I like to do stuff, I’m spontaneous, talkative, driven, flexible (noo, not in that way), would you like me to write up a dossier on my character? I am also exceedingly aware of my flaws, I tend to over analyse, I can be impulsive, loud, stubborn but certainly not anything that is a deal breaker as far as I’m concerned. I was called needy earlier this year, but upon further inspection of this I believe (and have been told) I am no more or less needy than other women. What is needy anyway? Wanting someone to communicate with you, be a proper grown up? Maybe I was being Gaslighted (have you noticed how much that term has been around in the last week or so?). Funny how this stuff appears. I had a relationship in my 20′s where that happened to me on a daily basis, so maybe I am a little paranoid about it and have a little baggage. BUT WHO DOESN’T at this age?
Maybe it’s because I don’t want to do the casual thing anymore, or because I’m not attracted to married folk (seriously, why are they attracted to me?). And don’t get me started on all the damn polygamists, it’s not my thing! Maybe it’s because men think I want kids, even when I make it clear I do not. Maybe they want them? I don’t know.
I take care of myself. Since my surgeries I’ve kept my body in pretty good shape and I eat well and exercise (okay maybe not as much as I would like, but you get that). Again, if I compare myself to people I know around my age, I’m kicking goals in this department (shush, I’m being critical, not pumping my own ego, I’m not comfortable with putting this into words).
Gratuitous picture time, because no one else gets to appreciate my hard work. Here internets, look at my stupid, unappreciated body!
Just as an aside, I went to the cardiologist the other day for a check up and he lifted my top to put the leads and stuff on me – then went all wide eyed. I mostly forget now that I have a great big scar on my abdomen. I could care less, it’s a very cool scar to own.
So why, despite putting myself out there, despite all my best intentions, am I seemingly destined to be alone?
WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME THAT IS SO FUCKING UNLOVABLE? SERIOUSLY?
I’ve become so used to doing everything my way, on my terms, in my own time, it’s really not healthy. I have amazing friends. I have amazing single female friends who are in the same boat as me. Why is this?
Oh internets, I don’t expect you to come up with the answers to my questions. I’m merely venting in the hope that it may make me feel better about my world.
The way I’m feeling right now I can’t even be bothered with the whole Christmas Day thing. I think my Nanna feels the same way. I was there earlier today having a cuppa with her. Maybe I should steal her and we could go on a trip for the day. Ha ha.
Thankfully I have a friend from Perth coming over for the NYE period, so that will be wonderful. He’s a lot of fun & has a good energy about him.
Anyway, Summer has arrived and it’s been a gorgeous hot day. Here’s to a long and lovely Summer full of BBQ’s and beach days and who knows, maybe I’ll find the right person for me. But even if I don’t, I’m going to enjoy it.