Hullo. Is there anyone out there that can forgive me for not posting very often? My life is the usual circus, I just don’t have the energy to write about it. I want to, but it’s complicated and hard to explain and, well, I don’t want people to judge me.
7 months ago I met, and fell, rather quickly and deeply in love with a boy. A very complicated person who warned me from day one that things could get messy. That was the understatement of the year. I’ve been through incredible highs and devastating lows. There’s no end to the story because he just disappeared off the face of the earth. I had contact 3 weeks ago and now nothing. To be fair to him, he was remarkably unwell and not coping with his own life. I tried not to let it impact upon me, but let’s face it, when someone you love owns struggle town, you kinda become a citizen without realising. I’ve anguished and agonised and cried a lot. I’ve also distracted myself to the best of my abilities. But the time has come whereby I have to let go and move on and hope that he’s okay, because waiting for someone who may or may not turn up in your life again sucks. Pure and simple. A teeny tiny part of me hopes that some day he will appear again and I’ll get to find out if he’s okay and how he’s doing and just what happened. But for now, and for my own sanity, I’m letting go once and for all.
Part of my distraction(s) have been pushing myself to get out and amongst things. I’ve been hanging out with lots of different people, leaning on them, crying on their shoulders, snotting up their clothing. I’ve been building myself a website – Fenstar Images and trying to push myself with regard to my photography.
I’ve been hanging out with my sister a lot, I became an Aunty again to a beautiful baby boy. Baby cuddles and toddler madness can be very therapeutic.
If you didn’t listen to my last voice post, then you won’t know that I am going overseas in November. It’s coming up fast! I’m slightly panicky that I won’t have enough money by then, but it is what it is. I booked the cats into Bayside Cat Resort on the weekend after having a tour. The set up there is amazing, so well looked after and clean. I have no hesitation of leaving my two there. I have my passports, I have a bag, I have a jacket. The rest is being organised in my cluttered brain!
I’ve had a migraine on and off for over a week. Last weekend it was horrid, then yesterday (Sunday) it came back with a vengeance and I was dry retching and groaning from the pain. This one was a light sensitive one, light hurt my brainbox. Today I’m still feeling really average, the pain is coming and going, but hopefully it will recede into my memory.
I’ve had someone I’ve leaned on a lot more than others over the last month or so, someone who was from my past. Someone who I found I was completely at ease around and comfortable with sharing my stories. I had hardly told anyone what had been going on. This person has gone away for a few weeks and I have this strange mix of feelings that I am completely unsure and blind sided by. I don’t deal well with people leaving, this much I know. But I’m not sure why I can’t just cope with things. Why this has been difficult for me. I have such a hard time trusting after all that has gone on, irrationally I feel like I won’t ever see this person again, that I have lost them from my life. I want to rant and rave and cry. I need to learn to trust people again, but after last time I’m not sure I ever will. The ache and the chasm left behind is too huge, even at this point. My leaning post helped me to feel like all was not lost and that not everyone was out to break my heart into a million pieces. But I feel like I am grieving all over again. I want to withdraw from the world. I hate my irrational side so very much.
Think of how lucky you are to have someone you can be completely comfortable around, that is a true gift and one that should be cherished at all times.
Appreciate all the things you have in life because you never know when that time will end. Clear the clutter inside your mind and realise what you have right now. Don’t wait until you’ve lost it to finally see how much you took it for granted. Don’t wait until you realise that without it, your foundation to make it through each day begins to crumble.