Martin, I’m going to start off by saying, please don’t take this email and use it against me. Today I am feeling low, lower than I have felt in months and months. I just need to get some stuff off my chest. I’m feeling so low it’s scary. I’m feeling so low I can’t see past not wanting to be here any more. I have tried calling you but you don’t answer your phone. I know it’s wrong to talk to you when I’m like this because you take it personally and tell me you don’t ever want to speak to me again. But it’s not about you, it’s about ME. I spent a lovely night out with my friends last night, I have had hardly any sleep, this could be why I feel so shite. But I also realised how much I don’t have in common with them any more. The more I see them the more I realise this. Hence I am feeling so alone. I’ve got no one. What friends do I really have? None. Who can I turn to when I’m feeling like this? No one. You just yell at me, no one else has the time to pick me up and hug me and make me feel better about myself. Today I hate myself. I hate everything that I am and stand for. I hate what I have done with my life. My existance is pointless, what am I here for? Why bother getting out of bed every day? I have nothing that excites me anymore. I’m in love with a person that I know will never love me back. That fact alone makes me morose and gloomy. If I could have it all over again I would be a completely different person. The negative person I have become would not be here. I would be positive again and happy. And I know that one day you will move on, if you have not already. You will find someone else and I will have my heart broken once again. I can’t begin to explain what you mean to me. I love your energy and your humour. I love the way you make me feel. All the shite that has ever gone on between us has faded in my memory, I just want us to be together again, why can’t it be that way? But I know that you don’t feel it. I can’t make you feel it, you don’t want me, I understand. But it hurts me so much. Even if I was never to see you again, do you think I wouldn’t think about you? Do you think that by having you absent in my life I would get over it quicker? No, because it is something I will never get over. I truly believe you are my one true love, and I ruined it good and proper. There’s no going back now, I realise that and I would give anything just to have it another way. I know I am negative, it’s a catch 22 situation. I just want things to be right with me. I am always having something wrong. I have a mental problem that sometimes takes over my life and it’s scary. Do you know what it’s like to lose control like that and have no one here to help you? I can’t talk to anyone about it. No one understands what it is like. Then there’s all my shitty little health problems…I just want to be healthy. I want to live a normal life without the thought in the back of my mind that something is going to happen. I could never be in another relationship. Who would put up with me for fucks sake? Who would stand by me with all my problems and issues? NO ONE. It’s not worth it, even I can see that. Who wants to waste their life picking me up everytime I fall off the wagon? Who wants to listen to me hate myself? You guessed it, no one. That’s why I hate the fact that I treated you so badly, because you were so good to me, so fucking good. But it’s too late, I blew it. I blew the one chance I had of ever being happy by being so self absorbed and fucked up. If my Mum were alive she’d be mortified at my behaviour. She would probably slap me around! I want to be more like my Mum, she was a beautiful person, every one loved her. I don’t understand how I became to be like this, when I am a product of her. I miss her so much when I am fucked up like this. I have no doubt if she were still alive today I would be a completely different person. I have let her death make a martyr out of me. I have played the victim and let it fuck my life up. I have entered this stupid place of misery and lethargy and I can’t work it out anymore. If she were watching over me she’d be really disappointed in me. She’d hate what I’ve become. I’m not the strong, happy daughter she knew, I’m just a shell of what I once was. She’d be mortified to know that I fucked up our relationship because she knew how I felt about you. She knew we were ok. It horrifies me to think about it. I just don’t have the strength. I want to start again. I dont want to be in this life of mine anymore. Please don’t over react and alienate me from your life. I need you as a friend, I appreciate that I still have you in my life as a friend, I don’t know what i would do if I didn’t. That alone means more to me than you’ll ever realise. Probably more than even I’ll realise, because I am so self centered. I love you and I always will, no matter what you do or say. Fenella.

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~ by Fen on June 27, 2004.

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