heh, no wonder i hate myspazz

can’t take credit for writing it, it’s lengthy, but it made me laugh :)Step one: Pick a background image that really expresses who you are as a person. You want something that tells people, “I’m an individual, I play by my own rules”. Keep in mind that you can’t accomplish this unless the image is at least 350KB, makes your browser crash if you scroll too fast, and will prevent people from reading the text on your page. Dark purples & blues with geometric patterns work wonders.Step two: Choose a song that represents who you are and what you like to do. Make sure that it’s loud enough that when it starts to play, anyone who visits your page will lose control of their bowel movements instantly. You need to make an impression at myspace, and what better way than to be the guy with the page that makes people shit themselves?! Instant recognition. As an alternative, pick an obnoxious over-played song like “My Humps” by Black Eyed Peas, the ladies will think it’s a dance party every time they visit!Step three: In the music section of your profile, list every band you’ve ever heard, ever. Remember that band you saw get booed off of the stage at a bar in Metuchen? Make sure they’re on the list! If your music list isn’t at least 100 entries long, you’ll never be part of the myspace elite. Repeat in a similar fashion for movies, books, and TV shows.Step four: Add every dumbass you see on the site as your friend. 65 year old pedophiles, 15 year old high school students, they all want to party with you! Be sure to keep Myspace Tom at the head of your list. Add lots of porn stars or other sluts, because then your avatars consist entirely of titties. Smile and feel like a pimp.Step five: Add yourself to every group you can find, regardless of purpose. Why not join up with “Naked Alligator Wrestling” or “Extreme Toejam Fetishists”? After all, you’re on myspace, you want to impress people who come to your page! Nothing says, “Damn this motherfucker is off da hook!” better than belonging to “Basejumping Sodomites for Jesus”.Step six: Upload pictures of yourself. Lots of pictures. Be sure to include at least one picture of you with a large bud of marijuana, a handgun that’s illegal to own in your state, or an underaged girl’s soiled panties. Give each picture captions from bad rap songs, with special attention focused on ironic lyrics from artists like Vanilla Ice and Snow.Step seven: Proudly broadcast your page everywhere you can: in your email & message board signatures, post-it notes strategically placed around your office, heck, you can even get a custom bumper sticker made up! Myspace is important, and people need to know how you roll.Step eight: Hit on a really cute 19 year old. Get embarrassed when you realize she’s your second cousin. Play it off like you were just messing around and buy her concert tickets to this year’s Warped Tour so that she doesn’t tell her parents.Step nine: Make public blog posts about how much you hate people in your life and wish they were dead. Your boss and parents are good places to start. Explicitly talk about how you’d like to see their brains splattered on the ground in front of you. Be sure to include full names, addresses, etc. Don’t worry, nothing you say on myspace can ever be held against you, it’s like a forcefield! You know how police won’t shoot someone on church steps? Yeah, it’s like that.Step ten: Begin to obsessively check your myspace page every day for member updates and new messages. Upgrade your service plan with your cellular provider so that you can check myspace messages from your phone. Be sure to do this while in meetings at work, everyone needs to know how popular you are online.Step eleven: When the police come to your door as a result of step six, just remember: the gun was an airsoft, and the pot was just styrofoam painted green.Step twelve: When the police come to your door a second time as a result of step nine, just remember: your speech is protected by constitutional amendments! Don’t try to remember which ones though, as being on myspace for longer than a week has caused your brain’s memory retention centers to begin to dissolve.Step thirteen: Realize you no longer remember how to drive a car or tie your shoes. Walk to the store and buy velcro shoes. Begin drooling uncontrollably.Step fourteen: Smile and nod as your family checks you into a mental health facility for some much needed “rest”.Step fifteen: Undergo electric shock therapy, twice daily.Step sixteen: Wake up one morning in your padded room, just as the sun is coming up, and have a moment of sudden mental clarity: People are fucking stupid as all hell, and any site that lets complete fucking retards meet up with other complete fucking retards and share all of their stupid interests and thoughts in the most conformist and absurd way possible, without any notion of consequences, is just absolutely fucking awful.Step seventeen: Delete page. Check out of mental hospital. Learn to use a toilet.Step eighteen: File a class-action lawsuit against myspace for not having a warning about how the site with turn you into a blithering idiot when you join. Get an interview on the local news about how your drooling habit caused you to fall down a flight of stairs. Garner sympathy. Win lawsuit and make millions from News Corp, the new owner of myspace.Step nineteen: Grow bitter as you realize you’re completely surrounded, every single day, by people who are devoid of any sign of higher intelligence. Become a recluse.Step twenty: Use your lawsuit money to buy a small island off the coast of Florida. Buy a cache of weapons and prepare revenge on your former internet overlords.

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~ by Fen on October 1, 2006.

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