what i wrote

Do you know what it is that I like about you? You don’t try to change who I am. You accept who I am. So many people try to change the person I am. They can’t cope with my honesty. They blanche at my energy, the stages where I seem even to myself almost manic. The lows, well they don’t exist anymore, I banished them years ago. I’ve come so far, I really have. The life I have lived, I can’t even begin to describe. Externally yes, internally, no. And now I’m at peace with me, with what I am, with WHO I am. It’s an amazing feeling. But you, like a lot of my UK based friends, have embraced me. ME. I can’t begin to tell you how much I missed it.

I’m rambling, I make sense only to myself.
But I needed to tell you that I think you are an amazing person. What you’ve done, who you are, it’s inspirational.
I mean it. You have so much amazing life ahead of you.

I think I’m a bit in love with David Tennant. Ever since I was a kid I wanted to be like Dr Who. Not Dr Who himself, but I wanted those slightly eccentric mannerisms, that fucking awesome brain and well who wouldn’t want the time travel. Can you imagine? That’s hot. But David Tennant, oh man, I want his babies!!!! ha ha ha ha ha ha ha i may have just hyperventilated somewhat.

The fucking birds are singing and somehow it’s 4.42am. I know I should sleep but I’m lost in a realm and it’s divinity.

“All your stoner moments. They’re creatures of the abstract, they live off potential energy” — that’s a quote from Dr. Who, fucking genius.

I’m full of swears. Such a bad habit of mine. Language is such a beautiful thing and I reduce it to a bunch of swears. Honestly.

And I need to pee, desperately.

Ok, it’s 5.11am now. I just finished that Dr Who episode. Part of my brain has recessed to childhood, to the time travel fantasies I used to have. Part of me is saying Fen you really should be in bed. However most of me is yearning for the here and now. For the experience. That’s the part to be unleashed. The experimental, curious and existential me. You only live once, why should it be lived doing boring things. HOORAY!

More Dr Who you say?
Splendid idea.

Ooh this episode looks scary!

I finished your Christmas present. And I just thought, I have no idea when you’ll ever read this because you don’t have internet at home. So maybe I’m writing this from the future. LMAO! Primitive being. Tamika is about to launch herself onto the keyboard.

Anyway yes, back to your present. I never expect anything back from you, because, because of you I find inspiration. Please don’t take it the wrong way, I’m not in love with you or anything. It’s more to do with energy. You give me good energy. I like it. And that’s why I wanted to make you something for christmas, slash, your housewarming present! I hope you like it. The big picture is a representation of all things Fen. Each picture represents a part of me. And not in the obvious sense. The small picture of me I took one weekend, after we’d hung out for a night. The energy it created was diffused through that photo. I’m smiling to myself in that picture.

Oh man I can’t believe I came out the other side of the last few weeks. You’ve got no idea. The despair I felt, the loneliness, it was terror. I don’t ever want to feel that lonely again. Nor do I ever ever ever want to withdraw from a drug like that again. Do you know I felt suicidal? I knew I’d never do something like that, but the fear I felt when those thoughts entered my head, I never want to feel that again. Many years ago I felt something similar, at the depths of my depression. The irony of it is, those tablets weren’t even for depression. Not this time anyway. You know what, I can face anything now. I have the skills, I have the experience. I just need to believe in myself. That’s all it is, pure and simple. Self belief. Only I can do it. That’s so fucking empowering, yet so scary at the same time. Imagine that, no, it’s nothing to imagine. It’s reality. My destiny is mine.

If you had to live your life over and over for an eternity, would you be happy to do so? I have to make every moment count. I want to feel and live aaaaaah yes. Not that I haven’t been, oh I can’t explain it, it’s head nonsense.

Anyway, before I make a complete buffoon of myself and make you think i’m a serious whack job, I bid ye adieu!

Zoe is online (my friend from Bath) and I just realised I took some pictures today, not to mention I just started another episode of Dr Who.

Hope to speak to you soon, I hope you’re having a relaxing and awesome break.

Love Fen

pics from the storm yesterday
armageddon approaches swanston st


the day the clouds broke


~ by Fen on December 21, 2007.

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