You know, I always start to shut down around this time of year.  Emotionally that is.  I just realised today that I’m doing it again.  I deliberately don’t make plans to go out, I become more of a hermit if that is at all possible.
Why… the main reason is my Mum, or the fact that she’s not in my life anymore.  It’s been nearly 8 years now and you know what, it doesn’t really get any easier, nothing will change the fact that I watched her die in front of me and ever since then I’ve felt a big black hole inside of me.  Or that since then I find myself keeping people at arms length, not letting anyone in, in case they hurt me or worse still, leave me.
It’s a shitty way to live, but I do it, not because I want to, but because my subconscious works that way.  I know all about it, I should do after studying counselling for 4 years.  But I just can’t or won’t change it.
Another reason is my friends, or lack thereof.  Most of my best friends are far away, Germany, UK, Perth… it doesn’t make for good socialising material really.  I do have some good friends here however most of them are still going out and getting plastered, something I gave up long ago for the good of my ailing liver and my sanity.  Been there, done that, well and truly over it.  I feel like such a Nanna.  Doesn’t anyone do BBQ’s and afternoon teas anymore?
Christmas and New Years just isn’t the same when you’re not surrounded by those you love.

~ by Fen on November 29, 2009.

4 Responses to “shutdown”

  1. Must be time to visit your Dad.

  2. Possibly Andrew, but his partner doesn't make life chipper at times *shrugs*

  3. hello head-twin! shut-down city can be oh-so-pretty if it meant I spent a minute with you…my new song. i rarely drink any more either – weird innit. guess life events make you grow up just that bit quicker, huh? Love you. Dave xxxx

  4. Mwahhhh love you FennyMoo xxxxxx & Miss you more!

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