Marching on

I’m not quite sure how it got to March already, but here we are.  In my head it’s still January and I’m pretty sure it’s still around 2005.  
It’s 5.30am and I woke up for a snack and now can’t sleep.  The joys of doing overnight shifts.  I don’t mind really, it’s not like I have to be up for anything tomorrow today.  Other than buying the cat some food!  I’ll amble up to the pet store at some stage and get her bulk bags of biscuits.  She doesn’t really eat wet food much, fussy bugger.  I was lying here earlier watching her watching another big hunstman spider on my ceiling and she fell off the table she was sitting on!  She’s such a klutz for a cat at times.  Dunno what’s going on with me, but I think I give off spider pheromones or something.  This is the 3rd huntsman in as many weeks.  Lucky I’m not scared of them!
My sister picked up her car yesterday, so it’s back on the bike for me.  Riding home at 6.30am is a killer AND it’s still dark!  I’ve put the wheels in motion to get a loan and get myself a car.  I figured that I might as well bite the bullet and get one, it’s not like I’m going to have a mortgate anytime soon.  Plus I can get rid of my credit card, I’ll get one of those visa debits or just have a really low limit on my current one.  Credit cards are such black holes for money.  I’ll end up paying less for a personal loan than the repayments of my credit card.  Ugh.
I’ve been thinking a bit about getting ‘older’ lately.  Yes yes, in the grand scheme of things I’m not that old.  But I’m not the spring chicken I used to be. (the fucking huntsman is inching its way closer to me, I don’t trust it!)  One of Dad’s friends died at work last week and it made me realise that my Dad isn’t getting any younger.  Having already lost my Mother, the thought of going through losing another parent is a bit daunting.  Anyways, he’s here for the long haul, it’s not something I ponder too much….
It’s just when one doesn’t conform to society’s ways, things can get a bit tedious.  I’m a happily single woman in my 30’s, still renting (i’ve owned houses, it wasn’t my thing) and highly independent.  It doesn’t sit well with those who think a woman should be married with kids & a big mortgage at this age.  Of course people like to tell you such things as well.  How can you be happy and single?  Why would you want to be renting?  Why don’t you have a car? And the rhetoric goes on.  
The fact of the matter is, I am happy.  I lead a very simple life and have simple needs and wants and it has taken me a long time to feel this way.  When my Mum died my world was thrown into chaos.  I questioned everything, I did a lot of soul searching, I ran away to London and discovered myself again.  Most of all I decided how I wanted to live my life, what was important to me and what I could let go.  I don’t want to live my life trying to earn as much money as I can to ‘get rich’ and to have all the fancy trappings that so many people place such value on.  Because when you’re dead, you can’t take it all with you.  My Mum never made retirement, all that money she had (not that it was a lot) was pointless.  I’d rather DO things, experience life, than be saving my pennies for a rainy day.  I also got rid of all the negative influences in my life, ie, so called friends.  God I’m rambling, sorry, this is insomnia for you.  Point is, I’m happy and it’s been a long time since I felt this way.
Sure little things piss me off, living next to Gen Y elephants, my flatmate never doing any housework, or using so much toilet paper I’m convinced he’s building a house or nest out of it, but these are every day annoyances.  I don’t let things eat me up on the inside, I groan in my head and get on with things.  I do the housework myself, besides, no one else cleans as good as I do 😉  I know I’m too independent and that I’ll probably always be single because of it (amongst other things) but I’m happy in that knowledge.  I don’t need someone else to make my life complete.  I don’t need to have a baby to make me feel like my life has purpose.  
Anyway, I’ve lost my train of thought, it’s just rambling nonsense.  I had to throw the spider out coz it kept getting closer and closer to me.  Like the one the other night, every time I woke up it was on the ceiling above my head.  I got sick of shooing it away only for it to come back.  I think it was going to drop into my open mouth when I was sleeping!!
March always makes me ponder, my Mum’s birthday is in March and mine is in April, then the anniversary of her death is in May.  8 years this year.  Time flies regardless.  You just gotta keep going, keep pushing through, keep searching for your meaning. 

edit and a P.S. – I’ve been watching a British show called The Thick of It, my god, so many funny one liners. It’s the series they made into the movie In The Loop that I saw a few weeks back.  I’m so in love with Peter Capaldi and his mad scottish ways.  Only drawback is the show makes me want to swear like a fucker!

~ by Fen on March 2, 2010.

7 Responses to “Marching on”

  1. I think the rambling posts are the best.. that is what this place is here for.My father died 22 years ago this year. I'd say the first ten years were light a candle years.. then the next five or so were think about him all the anniversary day and then move on years.. Something happened on the 19th anniversary though.. I was doing the thinking about him.. and the wishing things were different.. and it was more intense than usual so I went and bought myself flowers to mark the day, and, while in the florist I realised I had lived longer without him in my life [he died when I was 18].. and I cried and cried.. three florists ran over to console me, hugged me.. told me I was going to be alright.. strangers in the centre of the city on a nondescript day with their arms wrapped around me almost twenty years after my father had died.Anyway.. sorry.. my rambling there.. xx sulks

  2. You're not scaref of huntsmans?!?! Omg God woman! I need you heeeeeeeeeere!!!We've yet to know what it's like to own our own home. But I'd like to try it, before I die. Renting is not all that bad, there is good and bad with everything. But we've rented for so long, and we're so sick of the uncertainty that comes with renting. Constantly moving, never knowing how long we can stay…Yeah, I often look at my old's and think, "Shit, they're in the mid seventies now…. they're freakin' SO old!" But I try not to dwell on it. It does make me feel older though. :o/"using so much toilet paper I'm convinced he's building a house or nest out of it…" Pmsfl! I thought blokes used less! ;o)

  3. SCARED…not scaref

  4. Hehe, us Scots are friggin' useless in polite conversation. (wink)I married at thirty, wanted kids (shrug). Twenty years down the line he's still stalking me (insert heartfelt sigh). I loved being young, free and single in London, best days and all that..Sounds like you have it pretty well sussed out, not too many folk I know are truly happy – it's nice to trip over someone comfy where they are at!

  5. Kimba you're right, blogs are for rambling! I've never been a lighting candles person, I just take each anniversary as it comes. Thanks for sharing your journey, it's always lovely to hear someone else's perspective.Maybe I should hire myself out Ute, me and my little container for removing spiders!!Shrinky thanks for stopping by… my time in London was the best of my life. At the moment I think I've got it sussed, talk to me in a month and let's see if it's changed 😉

  6. So you are just like the rest of us, then? (Grin)Thanks for stopping by to say hi!

  7. Them spiders are crafty buggers.Rambling posts are ace, sometimes you find stuff out as you're typing. One's train of thought can pull into some mighty fine stations.Fen Spider Hunter – has a nice ring to it don't you think?

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