Tonight I am grieving.
Grieving for the body I once had, that vaguely worked.
For the ability to stay awake.
For not feeling nauseas.
For being able to eat what I like and not have to worry how shit it’s going to make me feel in 10 minutes.
Oh for so many things, but mostly for my youth, which seems to have fled.
I want to be able to go out and pull an all nighter listening to tunes, dancing without a care in the world.
I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do that again.
I’m so teary, I want to have a tantrum.  I’ve had my phone off all day, in case anyone intruded and I snapped.
Most of all I wish my Mum were here to make me feel better.
i scream! i scream! i scream! i scream!
i scream! i scream! i scream! i scream!
i scream i scream i scream so much
you know what i mean this electric stream
and my tears in league with the wires and energy
it's my machine, this is my beautiful dream

the battle

~ by Fen on March 17, 2010.

22 Responses to “:'(”

  1. oh fen.. 😦

  2. *HUG*I know that a e-hug isn't worth that much…but I really, really mean it. So sorry you're feeling like shit atm. oxox

  3. Oh hon, loss can be overwhelming ((x)), sometimes it's okay to scream. It's okay to feel it's not right, fair or deserved. Grief is when you need to give yourself a break and to allow the sadness in. It needs to come out so tomorrow can be another day – hopefully a better one.And it will be. Trust in it.

  4. I'm not going to say things are going to get better…because I don't know that for a fact. Neither do you for that matter.I'm not going to say that I understand what you're going through…because I don't.What I will say is that the Universe does not play fair. If you work hard you will not necessarily be rewarded and the true measure of character is their ability to survive adversity.I also offer you this: You're wishing for the youth that was because of the things you loved to do…when you're the age you are now.In another 20 years, do you want to look back and regret what you didn't do because you were busy looking back and wishing things were different?Seize this as an opportunity. As an awakening…to living so that when you DO look back on the years that have past…you'll know you actually lived them.Memento Mori

  5. Sulks, Ute & Shrinks, thanks heaps. I'm just feeling sorry for myself at the moment, I know it will pass.DA – I've never lived my life with regret and I've always done what I've wanted, it's just difficult to do what one wants when one is too sick to leave the house. If it were a straight forward motivational issue then it would be different, but when it comes down to your body being so ill you can't physically do much then you've often got no choice but to try to heal as best you can.

  6. If you can ride a bike and go to work I can't see there's a lot wrong with you. There are people in hospices: the living dead. Maybe you're looking down the barrel of forty? If you miss being a pot smoking no hoper in a daze on a dance floor you're not missing a lot. Look at me, I was born with syphillis to a mentally retarded woman who had a dreadful life from start to finish. I regret that -for her.

  7. What an arse hat R.H. is. Who the fuck are you to judge someone else's feelings?We all have days we feel like shit, and Fen is quite entitled to hers.Are you looking for sympathy, or just being a blog troll?

  8. Whoa back off R.H you insensitive fuck. Each persons experience is relative to their life, to THEM. So what if I wasn't born with syphillis to a mentally retarded woman, you wanna medal?Don't ever think I haven't seen it first hand for myself, I'm a fucking counsellor and I have worked in the public health system and I know exactly what goes on out there.But this is my fucking life and I'll piss and moan about it as much as I want. If you don't like it, you certainly don't have to read my blog.

  9. oh and your judgements of me being a pot smoking no hoper in a dance on the dance floor are so way off the mark, I rarely did drugs when I went out, for years I went to dance events on pure adrenaline and my own energy. So I think you can shover your judgemental attitude up the eye of your own penis. You have NO idea who I am and what I do.

  10. Would my judgmental attitude fit through the eye of my cock to enter heaven? Forget my advice, why bother? over an ugly old bastard like me.

  11. How was what anything you wrote advice?

  12. It's there, your job to see it.

  13. Fen – I'm glad to hear that it's not a motivational issue and all I can say is that I hope your recovery / regeneration time is short and you have the strength to get through it.As a suggestion though…have you considered yoga at all? It might assist with the physical recovery whilst helping with the mental processing of everything that's going on around you.

  14. Far from being a motivational issue DA, that's why I get so frustrated, because some days I just can't do anything.I used to do yoga, I loved it. I hadn't found anywhere to join here yet, it's been a money issue up until the last few weeks. I d/led a local schedule thing somewhere & I plan to get back into it. That or swimming. I am slowly adjusting to working nights, everything seems to be slow atm!!

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  16. you are going through a bad time…..but it will end and things will be clearer….hugs xx

  17. (As a swimmer) I'd suggest the swimming over the yoga. It's cheaper than yoga classes and it's completely 0 impact so less of a physical drain on you while you're recovering. The other cool thing is that once you hit that rhythm when you're swimming…you just zone out into your own Zen-like state.Look forward to hearing about you getting back out there. Hope it's not too long of a wait πŸ™‚

  18. Do voluntary work in counselling, hear the stories, it's an enormous clientele. And for goodness sake, confide in your family: your father, your sister, they love you more than anyone else could.

  19. Loving the assumptions. Just because I don't blog about it doesn't mean that I don't do it.

  20. I've had second thoughts about being called 'fuck'. I misjudged you alright. Swearing is easy, I was doing it when I was three; it's documented: social worker's reports. I've progressed since then.Bye.

  21. I could have written this too. The only bit different is that I can't sleep (at least during the night).CFS/ME is a horrible life-stealer.I have to try to see my life as being satisfying and do what I love when I can and not think too much about what I can't. It's so hard.*hugs*

  22. Fen, don't worry about RH, he is afflicted with foot in mouth disease but it's not catching.I felt the same way last Saturday night, watching everybody having drinks, a bit of pot and groovy dancing and me feeling like a piece of dried ivy on a brick wall.

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