In Memory of my Mum

Saturday, May 18, 2002  

So this is it

Mum passed away at 4.30pm on Thursday 16th May.
We were all there with her. She wasn’t in any pain.
How the hell do you go on after something like this?
“The loss of the daughter to the mother, the mother to the daughter, is the essential female tragedy.”

Adrienne Rich
The answer to this is you just do.  You have to. You’re basically given no choice about it.  At the start I felt like I was living in a weird disconnected world, watching it all happen to someone else. That probably would have been easier.  I also did a lot of sitting and staring blankly into space, or crying.  

But 9 years on here I am.  All grown up (kind of) and living my life, without my Mother.  Sure, there’s a lot that changed and most of it was for the better, but some of it wasn’t. I still have the emotional scars, there are things I won’t talk about, parts of me that no one will ever know about that were created as a direct result of that traumatic day.  But for the most part I’m a fully functioning, living, breathing human.  

You grieve and you learn to live with the hurt and the rest of it.  I changed, probably in lots of little ways, but I definitely changed.  I’d like to think I’m more compassionate and that I have more empathy for my fellow beings, but I also know there’s a darker side to me that never used to be there.  

Losing my Mother sculpted me into the person I am today.  I sold my house and lived in London for 2 years because I lost my Mum.  I went to uni aged 30 because I lost my Mum.  I started living my life for me, trying to live in the here and now because I lost my Mum.

I often wonder how Mum would view me now, as a 36 year old woman (*cough*). I hope she’d be proud.

How cute was my Mum?

Mum’s memorial plaque, we trimmed the plants back today, they’d gone mad in the last couple of months!

~ by Fen on May 16, 2011.

6 Responses to “In Memory of my Mum”

  1. I'm sure she would be very proud of you, Fen.{hug}xox

  2. Oh dear, wet eyes. I know she would be proud of you.

  3. I lost my mother when I was five, but she didn't die, she was taken away from me. Recently my niece said 'you must have missed her' and I almost broke down, I hadn't thought of it before.I regret that circumstances have got in the way of me being the sort of father i would like to have been to my daughter but I do hope she understands that in the end, and will think of me often, and with affection, the way you do of your mum. That's the best outcome for anyone's life.

  4. I'm sure she'd have been very proud, Fen *hugs*.

  5. I just happened upon your blog on google searching for random stuff. I'm sorry for your loss. My grandmom, who I grew up calling Gaga died at age 65 on May 12, 2008. I still think of her on the 12th of every month as she was born the 12th of Sept. She died the day after mother's day and I'm glad we got to spend that last living day with her. She was a very very important peice of my history, life and me , though I do believe she exists now with no pain and its for the better. Sometimes though I wish she were back on Earth and it makes me so sad. Every day heals some more of course. It has strengthened me every passing day that goes by. Do take care and also it all happens for some reason. In my case to relieve her from certain pains. You will see her again in the afterlife, just stay good and strong :)xoxo,Kyle

  6. Thank you for sharing. I sometimes ask out loud whether my Mum would be proud too. Proud of my house, my job, my life.I'd also like to ask her if she likes my hair at the moment.Let's be proud of us xx

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