relationships stream of consciousness

I am so awful at relationships. Seriously. I sabotage, because I fear loss, I fear being abandoned. I fear losing people so badly that I wreck things so that I’m the one to blame. I so need to change this part of me.

The rest of my life I am in control, I am strong. When it comes to relationships I second guess and I destroy things. Horrible.

I need to fix this, because this time I don’t want to annihilate it all.  This time I want to give things a proper go without fucking it up single-handedly. This time, this one, he’s worth it. I need to be able to not push him away, or make him leave, because of my own inner demons.

Losing my Mum changed me in many ways. Both good and bad. But the main thing within me that changed was fearing loss. A year before my Mum died we lost Joel, my neighbour, who was like my little brother. He suicided. No one was ever really sure why. This was the start of the change in me, and after losing Mum it got out of control.  I’m not sure if I ever grieved properly. I became clinically depressed, was on high doses of antidepressants for 5 years, I became more anxious than I’d ever been. I went to the UK and learned to live again. I started rebuilding myself.

But relationships I just didn’t bother with. I couldn’t. I’m still not sure that I can do them. They freak me out. I feel suddenly completely vulnerable and it makes me squirm. All the good things are amazing, don’t get me wrong. But my fears eventually get the better of me. And if I don’t freak out completely, I freak the other person out and they leave me.  I can’t blame someone for something that is within me.

But how do you mend something if you’re alone?  I need to fix this whilst I am IN a relationship. I need to stop being such a control freak, stop pushing people away, stop giving in to the demons that plague my subconscious.

I need the strength to do this, I have the resources. It’s worth it, I don’t want this to end the way everything else has, with me being alone.

I’ve met someone who is from the same planet as me, someone who gets me, who is fascinating, who is amazing, who makes me feel a thousand different things at once. I don’t want to fuck things up because I can’t deal with my own shit. But it’s so hard, I have such a dysfunctional way of doing things.

No one is perfect, this much I know, and I am far from it. He’s not perfect either. I feel overwhelmed, I feel like I am unable to stop myself from making things ridiculous. I feel like I will drown him in my shit and he will run away.  I need to breathe. I need to learn. I need to stop repeating bad habits.

Someone’s past doesn’t scare me, I am not bothered by all the stories, because that’s what they are to me. It’s my own future that scares me. I just want to be able to go with it and let things play out. I want to enjoy. I want to be happy. I want to love.

Two major fears frequently show up in relationships: the fear of abandonment or loss of partner and the fear of engulfment or loss of self. Ironically, we tend to choose a partner with the opposite fear. Often people with abandonment issues will choose partners who have engulfment issues. And so the dance begins, with one pursuing and the other withdrawing.

When our buttons are pushed and our fears bubble to the top, we tend to try to protect ourselves by attempting to control our partner’s behavior. We think that if our partner would just be sensitive to our needs and either give us the space or the closeness that we need then we would be happy. In reality, our partner cannot ever completely satisfy our needs, especially if their needs are in conflict with our own.The trick is to acknowledge and allow our selves to feel the fear. When we can accept and even welcome our feelings, we can begin to look behind the fear to learn more about ourselves. Chances are these fears are related to experiences from our early life. We have developed a pattern of relating to others that we hope will protect us from experiencing the repetition of past hurts. The truth is that we will continue to re-experience past hurts, until we heal what is inside of us. We cannot possibly arrange the outside world to constantly meet our needs. We must learn to meet those needs for our self. As we do we can begin to give our self the gift of peace. We can learn to hang on to our self and be comfortable with closeness without feeling like we will lose our self. Or we can learn to hang on to our self and be comfortable with absence without feeling abandoned.

True words. I need to learn. I need to heal. I need to grow. And I need to do it before I lose someone that I truly care about.



~ by Fen on April 18, 2014.