Lurking in the shadows of my heart

The amount of times I’ve sat here, staring at this blog, wondering what to say. Then just closing it down and wandering off again. Countless times.

I have gotten out of the habit of talking honestly. Of actually being open and discussing what has been going on in my life. Because to be frank, it’s been a bit of a shitty pantomime and I haven’t wanted to talk about it at all. Even in the ‘real world’ I have barely told anyone, just a handful of friends. Because I’m sick of the drama, I’m embarrassed, I’m over it.

If nothing, my life has been consistently shit for the last couple of months. No, actually, this is not the case. There have been some wonderful bright moments, they’ve just been wholly outweighed by the depth of the crap.

I still, really, don’t want to discuss any of it. There’s just too much pain involved. But I’ve drawn a line in the sand and I’m moving on, for my own sanity and because a person can only take so much disappointment and hurt in one life time.

So I’m here, I’m reading everyone else’s blogs, commenting when I have the brain space. But I’ve been very withdrawn from the world, and I’m attempting to reverse this.

I did finally get my new tattoo a few weeks ago, I am so pleased with it. It took around 6 hours to complete, with a break for lunch. Ben, my tattooist, is wonderful, his work is so neat and clean. He did my quote too, and it’s still looking marvellous.

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My car is still lovely, I am really enjoying driving her around. I love the growl of the Subaru engine! I’ve been spending a lot of time with my niece, my sister is due for her second in around 6 weeks. Kids are such wonderful things, I love nothing better than just immersing myself in my niece’s world and having a blast with her. A few weekends ago we went to Ikea and wrestled on the beds, sat in all the chairs and just created nuisances of ourselves. This last weekend I occupied her whilst my sister and her partner had an appointment at the big blue hardware shed. She fills my heart with love, and I need as much of that as I can get right now.

toast & jam faced toddler!

toast & jam faced toddler!

 

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~ by Fen on July 28, 2014.

One Response to “Lurking in the shadows of my heart”

  1. Fabulous ink – bravo. Corsetry just rocks, but however do you stand 6 hours of needling? I have never asked my daughter this. 20 years ago she got a Bettie Page from shoulder to elbow. I wish I was brave enough to get ‘Do not resuscitate’ across my chest.

    Niece is just beautiful too.

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