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Processing the last 2 days

All that I’ve seen and heard and felt.

Letting go.

Grieving.

I’d forgotten the essence of you. All those little things that made you so unique. They’d been replaced by anger and hurt.

I know we have no option. I understand the enormity of what you’re going through.

But I care about you, I will always care. I still love you too, even though I can no longer speak those words.

To see you so broken and dysfunctional breaks my heart. But I realise you’ve come a long way since last we met. You’ve got so far to go. I worry you won’t make it so great is your trauma and suffering.

You ask me if I’ll be okay and I tell you I will. Eventually. I just need time to grieve and to let go of you. I need time to process the hurt. The anger has gone. I remember all those reasons you impacted so deeply in the first place. The reasons why I now find it so hard to watch you leave again.

You can’t see what I see, you doubt yourself so much. So deep is that betrayal that it has robbed you of your esteem and your self worth. I wish I could just lie in your arms forever and tell you how wonderful you really are. But I know you can’t believe it.

Maybe some day you’ll find your happy place, somewhere you fit in, somewhere that doesn’t make you anxious and want to escape so badly. You, of all people, deserve that.  I asked you how it was possible for you to see into my soul, but I understand, because I can see into yours. So tortured and uncertain and broken.  You said you wished you could show me what was in your mind, but I know that would destroy me. I’m not as strong as you. You’ve endured so very much in your life time.

I won’t say goodbye. I don’t do those.

Until we meet again, you’ll always be in my heart & my thoughts.

 

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~ by Fen on October 7, 2014.

 
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