late sunday

I was bullied fairly relentlessly when I was a teenager. By a girl who was quite a bit younger than me. She was the daughter of my Mother’s best friend. So of course we spent a fair bit of time in each others worlds.

She called me fat. All the time. I wasn’t overly fat (in hindsight). It took me until my early 20’s to grow into my body fully. She made me feel ugly and horrible and unhappy.

I was an awkward teenager. Not a girly girl, more of a tom boy. I went from being one of the shortest girls, a good 5-6 inches shorter than my best friend, to being reasonably tall. I wasn’t one of those girls that anyone was attracted to.

I’m not even going to touch on my first relationship and how badly it shaped my young psyche.

This week I lost almost 4kg because I had a stomach flu thing. I am the lightest I have been in many many years. But I still can’t see myself realistically. I don’t have an eating disorder, I’m too fond of food for that. I do have a fucked up digestive system that means some days I can’t eat much, then other days I am fine. Swings and roundabouts.

Some would call it low self esteem. I don’t think it is. I just can’t see what others see in me. I can’t see why people would be attracted to me. Some days I crash through the looking glass and I can see reality. Not often enough.

I’m feeling introspective tonight. It will pass.


~ by Fen on March 8, 2015.

7 Responses to “late sunday”

  1. Kids have a great ability to find things to bully someone over. If it wasn’t weight it would be something else. All in order to deflect from their own insecurities.
    We only have one life, so I try my best to ditch all my insecurities and let people in. What will be will be.

  2. I totally understand this. I was size 16 in high school and I also was bullied but by a lot more people.

    I was bullied to the point that I went on a crazy diet – of mostly carrots for a good 6 months plus walking 5-10km a day – in year 9-10 and got down to a size 8-10 but the worst thing was, once I lost all the weight people still treated me as a fat person.

    I’m wise enough now to know the reality of it is – if it had not been weight, they would have found something else they did not like. I wasn’t like the other kids, and therefore I was an outlier, and I was going to be treated badly.

    It wasn’t until I left that school and went to another school that people treated me like a human being. I was only there for a year and people took me at face value, they did not have years of stories about me to bias them against me.

    I don’t really think many people can see themselves realistically. I’m not sure why it is so, but so it is. 🙂

  3. Kids (and adults) hide their true reason for picking on someone, it’s often jealousy. Some sort of resentment, anyway. I don’t think she believed you were fat at all.

    You were a dear little kid, cute and very funny. Self-assured, too. But you’ve had some losses since those early photos. Maybe it’s time for you to do what I should have done, tell it all to someone trained to help. Don’t be worried about breaking down if that’s what happens.

  4. Well thanks a lot, there goes my career as an agony aunt.

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