Anniversaires

Thirteen years.

It’s a long time, in my mind. I think of all the things I’ve done in thirteen years. Run it all through my head.

There are things I have not done too. I have not dealt with losing you.

In a week it will be your birthday. You would have been 67 this year. I try to imagine what you would be like. Much the same, I think. Just greyer. Still my Mum.

Now, more than ever, I wish you were here. I feel a gaping chasm in my soul. I wish you were here with your warm embrace and your way of always getting it right.

The way only a Mother can.

I feel so very lost and burnt out with my life. I don’t quite know how to change this. I’m paralysed by fear and confusion.

I just want it to all go away. I can’t deal with any of it. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want advice.

I just want you. My Mum.

Our relationship wasn’t always easy, we fought, we were very similar you and I. But we worked well together. I was always happy and comfortable around you. We talked every day and did so much together. I never imagined you not being here for me. In my future I saw you with grandchildren and surrounded by your arts and crafts.

I look into the eyes of my niece and nephew and my own eyes well up. You would have loved these two munchkins and they you. I know you would have been a hands on grandparent, full of love and insight.

I never thought I would get over your death. I suppose I never have. I’ve learned to live with the hurt and the sorrow. I rarely talk about it now, people don’t understand. I don’t understand. It’s easier just to push on.

But right now, with your birthday looming and my life falling apart, I don’t think I can cope. I need your knowledge and your love. I need you. My Mum.

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~ by Fen on March 22, 2015.

8 Responses to “Anniversaires”

  1. They are lovely photos. I will miss Mum when she has gone, but I won’t grieve too much. When your mother dies at such a young age, the unfairness must be overwhelming.

  2. *Hugs* to you..

  3. It’s always the birthday that gets you because it was her day. All the other days involve loads of family but not the birthday. I’ll be her age in July if I survive my mother and my son will have been gone 20 years. I wonder what he would have been like now. Copperwitch, wordpress is doing it’s weird thing again.

  4. Such a tribute to your Mum. Holding you in kindness.

  5. I hope you’re doing ok, I just dropped by to say I’m thinking of you. 🙂

    • Thank you, just going through some stuff atm and not sure if I want to share with the world. Appreciate you checking in on me though x

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