the pain response

I have just had a horrendous day. I’ve discovered just how effective codeine was for me, and what my future looks like now I can’t take it anymore. I’ve spent most of today trying not to cry from the pain. Panadol with nurofen just doesn’t cut it when it comes to the pain from endometriosis. At all.

I went straight to my GP’s office tonight and had a frank and open chat with him. He basically told me what I already know, that I’m out of options. I’m now allergic to every strong pain killer there is. Panadol with nurofen is my only option now and it doesn’t even touch the sides of my pain. I feel like I need to reconcile myself with this new state of affairs. I feel like I want to have a tantrum, like a small child, and wail at the shittiness of it all. But to be honest I’m feeling numb. I spent all day breathing deeply, trying not to vomit, trying to breathe through the pain. I’m exhausted.

Most of all, I do not want to become defined by this. The last 6 years have been really tough on my body. Endometriosis and subsequent surgery. Then a fuck off big tumour, followed by major surgery. If that wasn’t enough, I had complications followed by 3 infections whereby I almost didn’t make it, followed by more major surgery. Pain and I were definitely on first name terms. Especially when I started developing allergies to everything. Oxycontin, tramadol, ketamine, endone, okay let’s just say the entire Phenanthrene family. Morphine is in there, my GP says chances are I’ll now be allergic to that too. I laughed when he said that, because Fentanyl is ineffective – it has no effect on me whatsoever, despite it being stronger than morphine.

Anyway, I refuse to let this define who I am as a person. One thing that I am determined to do is try to live as much of a normal life as I can, even with all this carnage that is my body falling apart around me!!  My body is marvellous, I am still alive despite everything that has happened. My liver now functions normally, despite it only being 3/4 there. Okay my digestive system is shot, but it’s not completely wrecked. For a 40 year old I think I am in good shape, I just need to nurture myself a little more.

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I’d normally apologise for the nudity, but we’re all adults and this is art! Or me naked. Whatever. I’m embracing my battered body and I’m saying out loud (you’d here me if you were here, muttering away to myself) that it’s time to love this broken ship I’m steering about. I’m going to find some yoga to participate in and I’m going to start exercising more.

We all need to practise more self care, I urge you all to do it for yourselves. We often forget, or get too busy or are too tired. Which reminds me, my eyebrows are shocking… ha ha!

Right, I’m feeling delirious and ever so tired.

Fin.

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~ by Fen on June 16, 2015.

12 Responses to “the pain response”

  1. All sympathy and care, until I read about your eyebrows. You’ve really got to get them right. No excuse.

  2. I know there isn’t much that I can say that is useful in the situation you find yourself in. So, I’ll just send virtual *hugs* to you. 🙂 and I’ll be keeping a good thought for you.

  3. You strong, strong woman. Maintain this positive kick-ass attitude. And embrace the idea that it’s okay to break down and cry, too. Wish I could be there to offer you a real hug, but here’s a great big virtual one…*smoooooooooosh*

  4. everything above goes from me too. this situation, is of course, why the sweet old sensimilia and sativa are so good for the ague. it is criminal that the use of it is criminal, especially when so many criminal things are rampant and legal.
    I think recent news was that nurofen has been debunked. and the draggy thing about most ‘painkillers’ is that they have so many side effects we could do without, wrecking the liver is just one of those. my liver damage is from too many years on a semi-effective nsaid.
    eyebrows are irrelevant with a really good fringe, cut surgically twice-weekly with the best scissors you can afford. I didn’t notice them in that arty B&W shot at all. love from way way out west.

    • yes there are many things that are criminalised that could assist all sorts of people. Silly really. Thank you lovely xx

  5. I talk to myself all the time. It worries me lately that I’ve been doing it in the street.

  6. So I just found out I have a 12.7 cm FNH on my liver. Went in for pain in my uterus and they found this. It’s actually bigger than my liver. Found your blog and been catching up on your experience with the same thing. Saying my prayers for you!

    • oh sorry to hear this. I hope that you are getting lots of advice on what to do. I’m well recovered from mine, though it was an ordeal.

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