Everything in its right place

This weekend I have endured both pain and heart ache, yet I have also felt amazing compassion.

At 7.5 weeks pregnant, I knew what the odds were, of someone my age and with my history, actually having a viable pregnancy. But since finding out and subsequently seeing the flickering of this tiny beings heart, I felt attached and maternal. An almost foreign concept. Sure, I adore my niece and nephew and have no issues relating to and getting along with most kids. In fact I attract them, maybe they see the ridiculous big kid in me that I try so hard to hide from the sensible adult world.

When I discovered I was pregnant, I dared not breathe. I endured the waves of nausea, the hilarious bacon cravings, the going to bed before Nanna o’clock most nights.  I analysed my body. Being so very body aware, every little change I studied, wondering what lay ahead. I was fascinated and so very scared.

When the bleeding started it was light. I scoured the internet, early pregnancy bleeding was common. I didn’t feel any better. By the second day, it intensified a little more and I felt my anxiety rising. I wanted to bury my head under the doona, to block out my reality. I knew deep down that things were changing.

On day three (Saturday), with the bleeding I now had small period like cramps. Everything felt wrong. I debated with myself for a good hour, then drove alone to the hospital emergency department.  Sandringham Hospital staff were amazing. I felt cocooned in an amazing environment, being looked out for by people who genuinely cared. Who wanted to do what was right for me, a now fairly stressed out pregnant woman.

When the radiologist could find no heart beat, I knew I’d been right to trust my body.

It was all I could do to get back in my car and make it home. I felt like I could tear apart at the seams at any moment, and it would unleash the torrent of emotion within.

It wasn’t until that first embrace that I allowed myself to crack.

Then it was a waiting game.

On Sunday, after a lovely breakfast at a local cafe, we walked along the beach, talking, joking, existing. The pain was slowly ramping up and eventually I knew I needed to be back home. We debated going back to the hospital, I wasn’t sure I was strong enough for what lay ahead.

With hindsight, the only pain worse than what I was experiencing was when I had my liver surgery and subsequently got pancreatitis. I wanted to die on that occasion.

I felt like I was having contractions, 5 minutes apart. For a good two hours. Agonising. Excruciating.

What happened next I will never forget. But I will not describe it. I knew things were over.

I sobbed, feeling both utter sadness and relief.

Everything in its right place.

Almost immediately things eased and just felt like normal period cramps again.

My little tenant, even though I never got to hold you in my arms, it was my pleasure to have held you within my body. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out, I have no regrets.

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~ by Fen on August 9, 2015.

8 Responses to “Everything in its right place”

  1. I’m so sorry. *hugs* I’ll be keeping a good thought for you and yours.

  2. xx

  3. Wow, how sad and it happens so often, including to my sister. Be kind to yourself.

  4. oh Fen FFS.
    massive love from me. it is the worst pain physically and a shocker emotionally as well. a big hug.

  5. Big hugs, so sorry Fen.. xoxox

  6. Oh Fen, I am so so sorry. All I can give you is a hug and tell you that I really admire your generosity in sharing your heartache with us so honestly. xo xo xo

  7. Awful. It’s brave of you to share. I’m so sorry. Thinking of you. xxx

  8. Such losses. I am sorry and sending you warm thoughts.

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