It’s been a really tough few days both physically and emotionally. After miscarrying on Sunday I’ve been at work on and off, but it’s been a real struggle. The bleeding has eased but the pain has continued unabated. It can be only described as someone digging away at my insides, with a rusty spoon.

So much so that I took myself back to hospital on Tuesday. Once again they were great, but they couldn’t do much as I can’t take much more than panadol/ibuprofen. They ran tests to ensure I wasn’t brewing an infection, which I wasn’t.


I got sick of being there pretty quickly and was glad to come home to my own bed.

Today I lost the plot completely. Days worth of physical pain had worn me down and I felt like the world was an horrendous place.  The support I received was nothing short of marvellous, but nothing much could brighten my clouded mood. In the afternoon I had a follow up ultrasound. The radiologist confirmed there was still a lot of “material” being retained and this was what was causing my pain. Tomorrow I will see my GP to discuss options. I just want this over with, I want to move on. I feel like I am stuck in this world of pain and misery and I can’t find my way free. I’m just shattered.

She also gave me a scan from last week, when I got to see the baby’s heart beat. It took me a good couple of hours to be able to look at them. I now have something tangible, proof that there indeed once was a tiny little blobby being growing inside of me.

baby & heartbeat

The little dots on the left are the heart beat.

the baby

Hello little being

I will be okay, I just need time and closure.

Thank you to everyone who has sent me lovely messages over the last few days. It has been muchly appreciated.

I just found this article on pregnancy loss and it struck a chord with me. It’s very well written ❤

~ by Fen on August 13, 2015.

3 Responses to “Aftermath”

  1. Hey missy, sorry I haven’t been in touch! Anja mentioned the struggle you’ve been going through which came as a shock, I don’t know where my head is sometimes.
    I hope you’re doing OK now. I guess it’s hard to find closure with your body still doing it’s thing and trying to heal.
    Christina had a miscarriage when we were together and it was heartbreaking and pretty much spelled the end of our relationship (we had many other issues besides) but that moment I heard she was pregnant was probably the most joyous moment of my life. It’s crazy how one episode can send you to the highest high and the lowest low.
    Anyway stay strong yet don’t shy away from a good cry. Take care xx

  2. oh Fen. I wish neither of us had seen that ultrasound. and now I am worrying for Ian’s Christina having 2 traumas instead of one. Thomas Hobbe’s famous homily [about life being a brute of a thing] indeed.
    Please wrap yourself in thick warmth, gather the cats around and watch or read something funny.
    Not funny ‘sweet’ but funny like Bridesmaids.
    much love

  3. Fen, cry as much as you need and whenever you want to. Don’t let anyone tell you to stop until you’re ready. It doesn’t matter the age, born or unborn, it was your child, it will always be your child forever. I feel for you. Copperwitch.

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