Fleeting Friday Reflections

Heck! It’s been almost a month. Apologies.

To be honest, I’ve just been dealing with life and its curveballs. For a month I’ve been unable to see my clients at work due to new legislation that was introduced in February. We were audited a month ago and it was discovered that I needed an International Police Check to prove I wasn’t some mad criminal. Great! So I got stuck archiving old client files. All 1500 of them. For weeks and weeks. Finally, today, my police check arrived. Thankfully my international life of crime still lies undiscovered!

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I also got the news that one of my closest friends is moving to Scotland. I don’t deal well with people leaving, so this news really floored me. I’ve been swinging wildly from coping like a champ, to being totally unreasonable and ridiculous.

“Death of a loved one can change you in all sorts of ways, both good and bad. I have become strong and self sufficient. I followed my heart and went to uni to study as a counsellor based on my own experiences with my grief counsellor after Mum died. I sold my house and lived overseas for 2 years, because I felt life was too short to be tied down with a mortgage and a job I wasn’t overly fond of.

But I am unable to maintain relationships now, and this is due to my fear of loss. I can’t do goodbyes, I can’t cope with the thought of people leaving. I get panicky, I feel like things are out of control and I project this onto people and eventually I scare them away. I sabotage things. I know I’m doing it. I can’t expect others to understand why am I like this. It makes me really emotional to think that I have ruined relationships with people I loved because of this.”

I know ultimately I will be okay, I can lean on my amazing friends and use their love and warmth to get me through this. But the thought of not being able to see this person, someone whom I trust more than anyone in the world hurts me to the core. This person allows me to express a side of me that makes me feel alive and whole. With their leaving, the lid will go back on and my life will become less fun. I dread that.

I feel like I am at a cross roads right now. Unsure which direction to take. And I’m not going to make any decisions in a hurry. I have been through a hell of a lot in the last month and it’s any wonder I feel unsettled. It’s time to reach out to those who I love and use their world views to guide me.

This weekend is forecast to be wonderful warm Spring weather and I am catching up with fabulous friends and celebrating my nephews first birthday. Should be lovely.

~ by Fen on September 11, 2015.

One Response to “Fleeting Friday Reflections”

  1. I saw this and thought of you.

    I’ve now had to download Mr Robot in HD. Jeebus. I thought Rami Malek was pretty good looking before, but in HD he is even more stunning. 🙂 I love the hungry eyes one. I am not such a fan of all the needle scratches.

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