Sunday brain puncture

1st of July eh. Well I’m not quite sure where that 6 months went. Well actually, truth be told, most of it was spent in the company of hospital staff and medical personnel. My social life was hanging around the ER and the wards, making small talk with nurses, trying not to punch my doctors and hoping for visitors.  It’s not a 6 months I’d like to repeat, preferably for the whole of this life time.

I believed I had come through this whole episode relatively mentally unscathed, that things would just click back into place and life would go on as before. However I’ve been uncovering changes in my synapses that I wasn’t aware of.  Like the once worn chemical pathways have altered and the signals are being re-routed.

I have a little anger that I wasn’t initially aware of, mostly to do with how much of my year I lost and what I went through in losing that time. When I say it out loud it sounds terrible, it WAS terrible. But it’s done with and I’m not really into looking backwards too much these days.  I have cool scars to memorialise my time and that’s enough for me. The rest of it can fade into the distance.

I’ve been back at work for 3 weeks and there’s a malaise I cannot put my finger on. Don’t get me wrong, I do like my job, I’m just not sure anymore. I’m not about to chuck it all in or give any less, but there’s a restlessness there now, questions that need answering. I have it pretty damn good where I work, they stood by me whilst I was unwell and looked out for me. My colleagues are amazing, honestly you could not ask for a lovelier bunch of people. I am blessed with a workplace that is void of politics and bitching (despite it being an all female environment) and I love it dearly for that. I know how very rare this can be.  But there’s this part of me that is unsettled now and I know not why. Maybe it will just take some time for me to settle back in again, to sift through my brain. Whatever it is I will work it out.

I started back at the gym last week and was surprised at how well my body handled it. I was of the belief that I would really struggle to do much so it was fabulous to be able to do almost the same level of cardio I was doing before I went under the slashers. Admittedly I was probably unwell last time I was at the gym, which was 2011, but I am happy nonetheless.  Hopefully I can get this poor, battered body back into some semblance of shape.

If you listened to my last voice post you’ll know that Dad & his partner of 9 years are calling and end to their relationship. His house is now on the market and I hope for his sake that it sells for what it’s worth and it sells reasonably quickly.  I can’t help but feel sad at all of this, but hopefully he’ll push on and be okay. I tried telling him last night that he should move closer to his daughters, but he told me he loves the area he lives in and doesn’t want to move. I told him he wasn’t getting any younger and he just laughed at me.  I worry that he’ll be living by himself and being so far from his family he’ll not do well.  But then again it’s expensive round these parts and I’m sure he’d probably be unhappy living in the ‘burbs. So whaddya do?

So excited that Le Tour de France is back on, so annoyed that I didn’t time my illness better to be able to have time off to stay up into the wee hours watching the race.  I’m hopeful that Cadel can give it a great shot this year and possibly win again, though he does have some really good competition despite the absence of Andy Schleck.  The next 3 weeks are going to be super interesting and I can’t wait to see it all unfold again.

I’ll leave this disjointed post with some pics. Coz I can.

I’ve been meaning to get back into self portraiture for a while, this was a quick effort on Saturday.

me goofing off at the football. All rugged up against the freezish weather.

A pretty boy shot of Alex

a purdy rainbow that I snapped on the way home the other night

I want to get another tattoo, thinking of this as placement. And no, that’s not me nor is it what I want to get.

~ by Fen on July 1, 2012.