We’ll go dreaming

•June 30, 2015 • 2 Comments

I’ve been having super vivid dreams since the weekend. Right now, I couldn’t even tell you what they’re about. I am going to put some paper and a pen next to my bed, so I can jot things down if I feel inclined to (if it continues).

I do know that I’ve been waking up feeling overwhelmed and uneasy. This morning that cumulated in an almost full blown freak out at the world. I felt panicky and unsure about everything and I just wanted to stay in bed and hide.  Instead I got in the car, put on some Tool and sang, really loudly. I may be a tad deafer as a result.

I really hate it when I feel like this. I’m usually confident in myself and self assured. Not in an arrogant dick kinda way. But I’ve been on this planet for long enough and been through enough really shit times to know my place in the world. I am comfortable with who I am. This morning I felt genuine dread and horror. And I’m not sure why.

It didn’t last too long. I roused myself out of it and when I got to work my colleagues were chatty and I focused on my client visits. My first clients were proper bonkers, I walked away feeling manic and ridiculous. I’m fairly sure I annoyed the pants off everyone for the rest of the day!!

Anyway, I am rolling with the mood, who knows how I’ll wake up feeling tomorrow. Here’s to happy and at ease with the universe!

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Distracting myself

•June 21, 2015 • 1 Comment

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favourite movie.

Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. I was confused and ecstatic and freaked out and loved it all at once.

2: Talk about your first kiss.

I don’t remember it! It may have been my neighbour! (not current hot neighbour, that was disappointing!)

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense feelings for.

This person grew on me. The first time around I wasn’t that enamoured. The second time around I was too scared to feel anything, but I couldn’t walk away. I didn’t want to admit that I even liked this person. How they made me feel. They’re from my tribe. My what if.

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

Not asking my Mum more about her life and my life when I was a child. There are so many things I wish I knew and now it’s too late to ask.

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

My 40th was good. I spent it with my family. I was dreading it for weeks, then a couple of days before I suddenly felt at peace with the whole thing. We spent a lovely night out at a restaurant. I don’t remember a lot of my birthdays. My 30th was a lot of fun, at least the photos look good!!

6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

The worst lead up, but the actual night was fun. I woke up on the day of my 21st with food poisoning. I was throwing up like crazy, I was so very very sick. I had to go and have an injection to stop the vomits.

Of course because my stomach was empty, the night was a hoot because I got drunk very quickly and ran amok.

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

I worry that I’m a fraud and that I have no idea what I am doing.

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

I’m most proud of the work that I do. It gives me a lot of happiness to be able to help people, to see them grow, to watch them flourish.

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

My scars are my favourite things. Because I have huge stories that go with them. I went through hell to get them, so I’m proud of then. But they’re not little….

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10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

I’m not really a fighter. Growing up I had some pretty huge fights with my Mum, because we were very similar. We used to clash heads a lot. Once I moved out we were fine, just under the same roof was a bit too much.

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

Ha ha ha ha, now that would be giving away all the secrets that hide in the compartments of my subconscious mind!

12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.

I used to dream about Mum dying, a lot. I mean for years before she died.

13: Talk about the first time you had sex.

Gosh, I was just 17, or almost 17. It was really average. Really really average. I’m so glad it’s not average now!!

14: Talk about a vacation.

Every year we would go to Port Elliott in South Australia. I have so many amazing memories of that place. The wildness of the ocean, the cliffs and the rocks. The windswept shoreline. I really do want to go back some day and reconnect with it.

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15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

I’m content on and off. It’s an ever changing thing I guess. I was content when I lived in the UK. I felt like I belonged. I felt like I was more ‘me’ than I had been in a long long time.

16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.

Gods Kitchen June 2001.

I have a stand out memory of John 00 Fleming dropping this track:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6i-JoOYj-o

Dancing with my hands in the air, grinning like a lunatic and everyone going berserk. The sun was just coming up and the stadium was starting to light up. My friend was down from Sydney and the night was perfect. I’m getting teary just thinking about it.

Fen & Loz!

Oh wait! Also… NYE 2011… before I got super sick. My last hurrah in a way, I knew I was going to have surgery, just didn’t know I would almost not make it. The Trash Masque with Amanda Palmer & Neil Gaiman. Oh what a night that was. I’ll let the pics do the talking (and yes I was fat, my body was not working properly, as I was about to find out)

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17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

I’m friends with all the people I want to be friends with. If I’m not it’s because I haven’t met them yet!

18: Talk about something that happened in primary school.

I was short, really short. It was a good time for me. I was nerdy, I liked girls way before I knew boys existed. Science was my favourite class and we dissected things!!

19: Talk about something that happened in high school.

Our year was super bitchy. I didn’t feel that I fit in with many people. But I wasn’t unhappy. In year 9 I travelled overseas with my family for 2 months!

20: Talk about something that happened in uni.

I procrastinated wildly for the entire time and learned that I can fly by the seat of my pants very successfully.

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

I turned a guy down once who then made it his mission in life to cause as much trouble for me as he possibly could. He made complaints about me at work and I got in trouble for things I never even did or said. Thankfully someone else overheard him talking about it with someone and he was found out. It was such a confusing time for me.

22: Talk about your worst fear.

I fear losing people. It’s irrational and it freaks people out, but it’s there. It’s as a direct result of my Mum dying. I am a lot better than I used to be.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

Um, no idea. Obviously nothing that bad stands out for me for this one!

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

My Mum wrote me a letter before she died and I got if afterwards. I still have it, I cherish that letter and everything she wrote in it.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

Not a best friend, but a friend nonetheless. We hung out a lot, she was going to get married. I went to every dress fitting, did everything with and for her. She asked me to plan the hens night and I told her (politely) it wasn’t my thing. I was out of her life faster than you can blink. Apparently that is unforgivable. Yup

26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.

Feel awful. Cry. Wish my Mum was here to make me feel better.

27: Talk about your favourite part of someone else’s body.

Your hands, your fingers. Long and strong. I love it when you touch me with them, when you wind them through my hair or entwine your fingers in mine.

28: Talk about your fetishes.

I guess it’s no secret that I’m a kinky lass. I have quite a few fetishes. I’ll leave it at that I think ;)

29: Talk about what turns you on.

Intelligence, good conversation, laughter, chocolate. Certain smells, certain ways of being, certain sounds. Music, happiness. Having someone submit to me, trust me implicitly.

30: Talk about what turns you off.

Ignorance, a lack of empathy, dishonesty. Sniffing, goodness me, use a tissue. Dragging your feet – do you have lead weights in your shoes? Body odour of the unhygienic kind. I like a natural smell, but not when you smell like you haven’t washed in days and it assaults my senses.

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

I think it’s like nothing. You die and that’s it. You’re no longer aware.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

Where I grew up – Upper Beaconsfield. Idyllic, beautiful, interesting, bordering on perfect. You couldn’t ask for a better place for a child to grow up and learn about the world.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

I listen to music, I take photos, if I am really sad I sleep. I switch off from the world and pretend it doesn’t exist for a bit.

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

Having a guide wire threaded through just below my chest and into my liver, all without anaesthetic, because the medical team were a bunch of dicks. Or maybe the pancreatitis I endured for 3 days when I wished I was dead, when the morphine did nothing and I just cried and cried and cried.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

I wish I could stop being so lazy and become more motivated to exercise. I suck at that.

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

Lindt chocolate with zesty lime. Oh yes it is so very good. I don’t feel guilty about much though, not pleasurable things, I refuse to feel guilt over something that gives me pleasure. I’m an Epicurean.

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

Have I ever been in love? What is love?

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

The whole album by The XX – Coexist reminds me of someone who I cared deeply for who was too broken for my world.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nW5AF0m9Zw&list=PLadHJ3xCi0cnjzPXsA5H7JnnMDZumqZ2E

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

I wish I’d known how sick I was going to become and how much it would affect me. Not sure what I would have done about it.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

Everything ends. I used to be one of the most anxious people ever. I hid it very well. Anxiety used to consume my mind every waking hour of every single day. It never let up. I often despaired that I could not go through life like this. It was exhausting. But things changed and now I don’t often suffer from anxiety. Or if I do, I know how to counteract it. I’m living proof that you can change and you can over come anxiety.

the pain response

•June 16, 2015 • 12 Comments

I have just had a horrendous day. I’ve discovered just how effective codeine was for me, and what my future looks like now I can’t take it anymore. I’ve spent most of today trying not to cry from the pain. Panadol with nurofen just doesn’t cut it when it comes to the pain from endometriosis. At all.

I went straight to my GP’s office tonight and had a frank and open chat with him. He basically told me what I already know, that I’m out of options. I’m now allergic to every strong pain killer there is. Panadol with nurofen is my only option now and it doesn’t even touch the sides of my pain. I feel like I need to reconcile myself with this new state of affairs. I feel like I want to have a tantrum, like a small child, and wail at the shittiness of it all. But to be honest I’m feeling numb. I spent all day breathing deeply, trying not to vomit, trying to breathe through the pain. I’m exhausted.

Most of all, I do not want to become defined by this. The last 6 years have been really tough on my body. Endometriosis and subsequent surgery. Then a fuck off big tumour, followed by major surgery. If that wasn’t enough, I had complications followed by 3 infections whereby I almost didn’t make it, followed by more major surgery. Pain and I were definitely on first name terms. Especially when I started developing allergies to everything. Oxycontin, tramadol, ketamine, endone, okay let’s just say the entire Phenanthrene family. Morphine is in there, my GP says chances are I’ll now be allergic to that too. I laughed when he said that, because Fentanyl is ineffective – it has no effect on me whatsoever, despite it being stronger than morphine.

Anyway, I refuse to let this define who I am as a person. One thing that I am determined to do is try to live as much of a normal life as I can, even with all this carnage that is my body falling apart around me!!  My body is marvellous, I am still alive despite everything that has happened. My liver now functions normally, despite it only being 3/4 there. Okay my digestive system is shot, but it’s not completely wrecked. For a 40 year old I think I am in good shape, I just need to nurture myself a little more.

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I’d normally apologise for the nudity, but we’re all adults and this is art! Or me naked. Whatever. I’m embracing my battered body and I’m saying out loud (you’d here me if you were here, muttering away to myself) that it’s time to love this broken ship I’m steering about. I’m going to find some yoga to participate in and I’m going to start exercising more.

We all need to practise more self care, I urge you all to do it for yourselves. We often forget, or get too busy or are too tired. Which reminds me, my eyebrows are shocking… ha ha!

Right, I’m feeling delirious and ever so tired.

Fin.

I know!

•June 14, 2015 • 2 Comments

I’ve been terrible at posting in my blog, no real excuses other than things have been busy. I had to purchase a wireless keyboard to go with the mac, as the space key got stuck on and I pulled it off to ‘fix it’. This rendered it fairly unusable and getting into the Apple repair shop means a long wait. So in the interim I have a cheap logitech keyboard that I am using, which has a mouse tracking pad on the side of it. It will do until I get things fixed.

I had a long long weekend last weekend, four days off, which was divine. I caught up with lots of people and by the end felt like I had been nourished by everyone. Of course this weekend I have virtually been a hermit, swings and roundabouts. Little Finn is 9 months old today!! He’s adorable. I went to the beach with my sister and the kids yesterday, on a balmy Winter’s day. Both kids had bare bums and did not seem to care that it wasn’t Summer!!

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While everyone else is bingeing on Orange is the New Black, I am bingeing on Psycho Pass. It’s an anime show, I am addicted to anime at the moment. I just finished Tokyo Ghoul and Shin Sekai Yori – the latter of which I adored the pants off. I’m almost done with Psycho Pass and I will be sad when that’s finished. I’ve enjoyed the series.

Music wise I’ve really been getting into Leftfield’s album – Alternative Light Source. It takes me back to the days of progressive house, those halcyon times where I’d be out dancing all weekend. It’s reawakened those desires in me, but I’m too bloody old to be doing that nonsense!!

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Sorry for the lack of updates, I shall endeavour to write more often.

It’s live!

•May 20, 2015 • 9 Comments

I’ve been working on my website the last week or so and it’s finally live. I’m not 100% happy with it yet, but I will tweak it as I go. The important bits are up anyway.

So this starts the promotion of my business. The hardest part. I know it will start out slowly, I have no illusions about this and am fine with it. I still have to join my relevant bodies and get insurance etc. All this costs money so it will happen slowly. My business cards are ready to be printed, tomorrow I will send off the design. There are lots of little things that need doing. I’ve given myself a year, not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. But in a year I want to be working as a sex therapist and counsellor full time.

Other than all that, things have been okay round here. I’ve been a little unwell, okay, maybe I was extremely unwell and should have gone to hospital, but it passed. Turns out I’ve developed quite the codeine allergy. Monday night I was in screaming agony, my bladder was in spasms, I could not pee and I was itching all over. I remembered after a few hours that three years ago, when I had my last surgery I remember that I was having difficulty urinating with certain painkillers, but these also made me vomit profusely, so I had to stop them anyway. Turns out codeine is now on that list too, minus the vomiting. They’re all from the phenanthrene family these drugs, so add that to the list of ridiculous! My GP was less than helpful with alternatives to codeine, so at some point I will need to investigate this.

I went pretty much for a month without major stomach issues. That ended yesterday too, and I’ve been unable to eat much since. I even managed to put on weight! Here’s hoping my stomach settles again soon.

I had my yearly liver function test and for the first time in 3 years I have NORMAL liver enzyme levels!!! So good. My 3/4 of a liver is kicking butt.

So I’m feeling very positive and like things are about to evolve in my life. My family and friends have been very supportive and wonderful.

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The photo above is from a weekend photoshoot I did with my wonderful friend. The full, uncensored, triptych version is on my photography website (scroll down and click on it for the big version – do be aware there’s a bit of nudity on there, so it’s NSFW) I’ve had people say I should exhibit my work. It’s something I wouldn’t mind doing in the future, but it would have to be the right place. A lot of my stuff isn’t ‘normal’.

the weekend that was

•May 10, 2015 • 6 Comments

I had planned for this weekend to be fairly quiet, I felt that I needed plenty of Fen time, plus I wanted to do some housework. I do it most weekends, but this weekend I did it on a bigger scale. Plus I felt like I might want to do some cooking.

Saturday I grocery shopped and was done before 9am. When you live near a big Westfield this is often the best approach. Later in the day I journeyed to my local Spotlight, only to find out it was closing down and relocating and had sweet FA left on the shelves. I considered going back to Southland however the traffic annoyed the pants off me so I headed home instead.

I had been booked to babysit the kids and went over to my sisters early so I could hang out with the kids before they were due in bed. Unfortunately Pippa had a raging fever and as she has a history of febrile convulsions, my sister wasn’t comfortable leaving me home alone with her. Fair enough too. Pippa refuses to take medicine, so that makes things rather difficult. Finn and I had a great time however, I bathed him and he climbed all over me and bit me and slobbered on everything. He is such a beautiful natured little boy.

So my sisters partner went out and we stayed at home and watched Vikings on the tellybox. It was nice just to be able to spend some time with my sister.

Today (Sunday) I was awake early, not sure why. Our block had received notification that the electricity was to be off all day today and I wanted to put the heater on before this happened. By 9am I rang the power company who had no record of the planned works and had no clue. Needless to say, we had power all day. I guess they don’t like rain.

I decided to spend the day cooking. I visited my Nanna for Mother’s Day and we had a cuppa together. Her partner, who is 93, isn’t well and she is worn out by him. It makes me so sad to see her this way, so I made sure I spent extra time listening to her.  She’s 87 herself, so by no means a spring chicken.

I found a recipe for some Sticky Chicken drumsticks that was made for a slow cooker, so set about making this. Once it was in and simmering away, I then started on some bolognese sauce. The smell emanating from the slow cooker was bliss. After the requisite 4 hours, I plated some up and put the rest in containers for lunches/dinners. The only thing wrong with the recipe is that the sauce is far too runny, so next time I think I’ll add some cornflour. Looking at the pics on the page I got the recipe from, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if those were done on a grill, there’s too much caramelisation of the sauce there for just being done in a slow cooker. In addition, mine were just falling off the bone wonderfully, the drumsticks in that pic definitely don’t look slow cooked! I was very pleased with the taste of the chicken however, they were absolutely delicious.

The bolognese sauce is done and is ready for me to dish into containers to go in the freezer. This way I can make pasta or other things and just pull containers out as needed.

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I had a small glass of red over the course of 3 hours… sometimes I miss alcohol… not very often though

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If only everyone could smell just how divine this was!

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i’m no Masterchef contestant and it looks ugly, but boy did it taste good!

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Alex likes to help. On the right is him assisting me making the bed. Which has resulted in torn sheets in the past. Left is him assisting to dry the sheets!

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27 years of love from my Mum was wonderful. Happy Mothers Day x

 

 

Business

•May 8, 2015 • 4 Comments

So as I mentioned in a post last month, I have been kicking around some business ideas. I want to start working for myself in the future as I am pretty much over working for other people, plus it has been a dream of mine for the last 10 years or so.

I am a trained counsellor/psychotherapist. I currently work as a mental health practitioner in a not for profit company. It’s a job that, whilst I get a lot of satisfaction from the working with clients bit, realistically it’s going no where fast. No room for growth, both personally and financially. The mental health industry is a little bit shit right now and this is not going to change in any time soon. If ever.

So I figured now is a good a time as any to start following up on those dreams.

It will take me some time to get everything together and finalised, then some more time still to build a client base. You have to start somewhere right?

Thus far I have:

  • Decided just what it is I want to do/who my target market is
  • Settled on a business name
  • Registered the name with ASIC
  • I already had an ABN
  • Registered my domain name so I can build my website
  • Opened an email account
  • Started a twitter account
  • Designed a logo for my paraphernalia
  • Purchased a phone so I have a business only number

There’s still a lot I need to do, but I feel like I have achieved a bit this week.

Tonight I am exhausted, I was in court all day today with a client. I’ve demolished some pizza and I’m watching Shin Sekai Yori (anime) and zoning out.  I don’t have many plans for the weekend, I do have to babysit the kids though, which I am looking forward to doing. They’re growing so fast, I see them at least once a week and each time they’ve changed a little.

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