They say everyone has their breaking point. Not sure who ‘they’ are, but I do agree.
Recently I hit mine.
As most of you would know, the last part of 2015 was difficult for me. But I was doing okay, still functioning and feeling well. I even purchased myself a shoebox to live in, which was a definite highlight.
However around Christmas I started to feel extremely tired and run down. Things that normally wouldn’t have bothered me started to get on my nerves. I found myself withdrawing from the world a little. 2016 arrived and with it a shit storm of things that weighed upon my mind. I had a couple of really difficult clients that just didn’t let up, and I felt that the environment at work wasn’t wonderful. Then one of my client visits included a surprise death whilst I was there. I knew at the time that I was at risk for vicarious trauma, but I honestly thought I would be okay. I am resilient after all, I have been through some awful times recently and I’ve bounced back well.
A few days ago, when I should have been packing and making plans I was instead crying and hiding in my bed. I couldn’t go to work and I didn’t want to deal with the outside world, or the packing I so desperately needed to do. I knew things had come undone in a big way. I’ve had a lot of things going on (not just what happened at work) and I felt suddenly so overwhelmed I just couldn’t deal. I wasn’t eating and I didn’t want to do anything. I hadn’t felt this way since my Mum died. Even acknowledging that now makes me cry.
So I contacted my work and told them what was going on for me and that I couldn’t come to work. They have been really good. I am getting counselling from our EAP, hopefully this will help a little. I am resting and doing things that make me feel okay. I know if I don’t do this properly then I will damage myself long term. I need to give myself time and space for my mental health to improve. I need to get this house move out of the way and to feel settled again. I need to stop sabotaging my world.
I know things will improve, they always do.