Breaking Point

•February 3, 2016 • 3 Comments

They say everyone has their breaking point. Not sure who ‘they’ are, but I do agree.

Recently I hit mine.

As most of you would know, the last part of 2015 was difficult for me. But I was doing okay, still functioning and feeling well. I even purchased myself a shoebox to live in, which was a definite highlight.

However around Christmas I started to feel extremely tired and run down. Things that normally wouldn’t have bothered me started to get on my nerves. I found myself withdrawing from the world a little. 2016 arrived and with it a shit storm of things that weighed upon my mind. I had a couple of really difficult clients that just didn’t let up, and I felt that the environment at work wasn’t wonderful. Then one of my client visits included a surprise death whilst I was there. I knew at the time that I was at risk for vicarious trauma, but I honestly thought I would be okay. I am resilient after all, I have been through some awful times recently and I’ve bounced back well.

A few days ago, when I should have been packing and making plans I was instead crying and hiding in my bed. I couldn’t go to work and I didn’t want to deal with the outside world, or the packing I so desperately needed to do. I knew things had come undone in a big way.  I’ve had a lot of things going on (not just what happened at work) and I felt suddenly so overwhelmed I just couldn’t deal. I wasn’t eating and I didn’t want to do anything. I hadn’t felt this way since my Mum died. Even acknowledging that now makes me cry.

So I contacted my work and told them what was going on for me and that I couldn’t come to work. They have been really good. I am getting counselling from our EAP, hopefully this will help a little. I am resting and doing things that make me feel okay. I know if I don’t do this properly then I will damage myself long term. I need to give myself time and space for my mental health to improve. I need to get this house move out of the way and to feel settled again. I need to stop sabotaging my world.

I know things will improve, they always do.

Day 1, 2016

•January 1, 2016 • 3 Comments

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you all had a fabulous night, whatever you decided to do.

I caught up with friends and was home in bed by just after 11pm. It had been 41 degrees (105.8F) during the day and I had to work, so I was fairly wrecked by about 10pm. Nonetheless I had a gorgeous evening on the Yarra River with my friends, consuming some wonderful food and lounging about.

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2015 was a very average year for me, with a lot of really testing times. I survived. When I die, I want them to write one line to describe me – Resilient as Fuck!

Anyway, looking forward, I move in just over 5 weeks and I am nervous and super pleased to be doing so. Apologies in advance if I am quiet on here (though you never know, I do procrastinate a lot). I have a lot of packing and downsizing to be done!

Much love to you all x

Christmas 2015

•December 26, 2015 • 4 Comments

Merry Christmas to everyone who still bothers with reading this disjointed ol’ blog!

Christmas came early for me and I purchased myself a tiny new flat in Malvern. I am going to have to downsize a hell of a lot over the next two months, but I can’t wait to move in. The flat is in a great area, with a beautiful park over the road. I’m looking forward to making it mine.

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Christmas was lovely, as usual. It was a smaller affair this year for lunch, with various people off at their other halves events. I had breakfast at my sister’s and that was wonderful. Christmas often makes me feel a little sad, but spending it with my awesome family is just the antidote for that.

Today, Boxing Day, has been quiet. I’ve been culling my wardrobe and other things. I also found cheap flights to Sydney and booked myself a ticket to go up in late April, for my birthday. I will be dead broke by then, so it will be good to look forward to that.

I hope that whatever you did for the day, that you had a fabulous day filled with good food and love.

tidbits

•December 2, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I’ve got a blog post in my brain to do with internet dating. Complete with screen caps for your amusement. But it requires sitting and putting it all together. Aka time. Some day I shall get there.

I have to downsize. Quite a bit. I need to get started with selling some things. My radiogram, a queen sized bed frame, a single bed and mattress amongst other things. I also need to find me a new flat. Or shoebox. They’re much the same thing these days I think.

I can’t wait to tell my landlord I’m leaving.  I hope their next tenant is a proper pain in the ‘arris. I might pull more of the already falling fence down before I leave. Just to make a point!

This time of the year leaves me exhausted by the end of every day. Today I was in court with a client who has no off switch. Next week I’m in court again. Different client thank goodness.

I’ve been booking in a few photography jobs which has been wonderful. One is a repeat client from this time last year. My sex therapy business stuff is pretty much on hold for now, until I move and get established again.

I’ve been watching Jessica Jones and have been enjoying it. David Tennant is delicious, as usual.

I’ve actually started my Christmas shopping. Rare for me. All online thus far, it’s so much easier. Then it’s like Christmas for me when the parcels show up!

These two idiots are okay, though Tamika had a stress induced UTI this week. Hello vet bills. She’s such a highly strung cat at times.

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Litmus Test

•November 28, 2015 • 6 Comments

I have a wonderful litmus test, I’ve discovered.

It’s my business card.

I can work out what sort of a person someone is by handing them my card and gauging their reaction. I never knew two words could be so handy.  It’s brilliant.

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Memories of Joel

•November 11, 2015 • 2 Comments

I remember the day you were born, just as I remember the day you died. I also have such fond memories of our time in between those two days. You were only here for 17 years, but you were a massive part of my life for that time.

Growing up next door to 3 boys was always an adventure. We all lived in each others pockets, often sneaking out before our respective parents woke up, to hang out and ride bikes or shoot hoops or any of the other awesome things we often did together.

As the youngest, you had four of us to look out for you. You were my littlest brother. We shared a lot in common as you grew up. I introduced you to my music and later, we shared a love for dance music. We taught you to ride a bike, something that you later took one step further, being able to ride and do tricks competitively. We swam and swam and swam, boy we spent so much time in that pool.  Our families often merged into one as we all celebrated things like birthdays and christmas, or we just had a bbq dinner in summer.

It seemed so idyllic, but I never realised that underneath your smiling facade something dark lurked.

That day I was going to come up and say hello. But I ran out of time. It didn’t matter, I’d drop in later in the week.

That night, when my phone rang and my Dad uttered those awful words, my world turned upside down and I fell to the floor, sobbing. My littlest brother, the most gentle and happy soul, dead. Suicide. I could not fathom it, I still cannot fathom it. How did I not realise? Why did you not reach out to me? What was so awful that you felt you could no longer be part of this world? So many questions that I will never have the answer to.

Yours was the first dead body I ever saw. And I will never forget that surreal feeling. Like your eyes would just fly open and you’d sit bolt upright and shriek SURPRISE! at me. It would all just be a big mistake. Only it wasn’t. And your skin was so cold, and you were so unmoving. This was real.

I still call your family my family. Your brothers are still my little brothers. I often stop and wonder what you would be like, how your life may have turned out.

I have 17 years of beautiful Joel memories. Tomorrow (Thursday) you would have been 31 years old.  In an alternate world somewhere you’re still alive, hanging out with my Mum, content with your place in the world.

I miss you, my littlest brother from another mother (& father).

Caution: rant ahead

•October 29, 2015 • 4 Comments

So if you know me or if you read some of what I write here, you’d know my life hasn’t been awesome lately. Let’s face it, it’s been downright shitty and tough. I’m doing okay most days, but tonight I’m feeling gutted.

Let me explain.

With everything that’s happened, I’ve been feeling unsettled. I’ve been feeling more and more like I needed security in my life. I pay a big chunk of my pay into my rent each fortnight and I figured maybe if I purchased something, just something little, then I would feel more grounded.  I worked out that what I pay in things now I could afford to borrow something reasonable. The deposit would be the catch.

So tonight I met with the bank and yes, they basically told me that I’d need a ridiculous deposit, an amount I have no chance of saving myself due to what I pay out in rent. This they acknowledged. So really, I’m fucked. I am stuck paying stupid amounts of money on rent and feeling insecure. I just want to cry. I am crying.

I’m over everything right now. I lost my baby, I lost my lover and good friend, and now I feel like I am stuck with this shitty renting situation, unless I can “win tattslotto or something”. The bank guy actually said that.

I work in a job where I give my heart and soul every single day. It’s not a highly paid job, I will never have a high paying job, but I do my best for people who need it most.

Days like today I don’t know why I bother. Days like today everything just feels like it’s too hard.

 
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