Anniversaires

•March 22, 2015 • 4 Comments

Thirteen years.

It’s a long time, in my mind. I think of all the things I’ve done in thirteen years. Run it all through my head.

There are things I have not done too. I have not dealt with losing you.

In a week it will be your birthday. You would have been 67 this year. I try to imagine what you would be like. Much the same, I think. Just greyer. Still my Mum.

Now, more than ever, I wish you were here. I feel a gaping chasm in my soul. I wish you were here with your warm embrace and your way of always getting it right.

The way only a Mother can.

I feel so very lost and burnt out with my life. I don’t quite know how to change this. I’m paralysed by fear and confusion.

I just want it to all go away. I can’t deal with any of it. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want advice.

I just want you. My Mum.

Our relationship wasn’t always easy, we fought, we were very similar you and I. But we worked well together. I was always happy and comfortable around you. We talked every day and did so much together. I never imagined you not being here for me. In my future I saw you with grandchildren and surrounded by your arts and crafts.

I look into the eyes of my niece and nephew and my own eyes well up. You would have loved these two munchkins and they you. I know you would have been a hands on grandparent, full of love and insight.

I never thought I would get over your death. I suppose I never have. I’ve learned to live with the hurt and the sorrow. I rarely talk about it now, people don’t understand. I don’t understand. It’s easier just to push on.

But right now, with your birthday looming and my life falling apart, I don’t think I can cope. I need your knowledge and your love. I need you. My Mum.

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Night shooting

•March 22, 2015 • 3 Comments

It’s been a very long time since I last did a walk about night shoot. Thankfully my friends have been nagging me, so I finally got around to it last night.  It was quite the late night in the end and we didn’t get to that many places. We’ll have to go out again and do some more, I enjoyed myself a lot.

 

late sunday

•March 8, 2015 • 7 Comments

I was bullied fairly relentlessly when I was a teenager. By a girl who was quite a bit younger than me. She was the daughter of my Mother’s best friend. So of course we spent a fair bit of time in each others worlds.

She called me fat. All the time. I wasn’t overly fat (in hindsight). It took me until my early 20’s to grow into my body fully. She made me feel ugly and horrible and unhappy.

I was an awkward teenager. Not a girly girl, more of a tom boy. I went from being one of the shortest girls, a good 5-6 inches shorter than my best friend, to being reasonably tall. I wasn’t one of those girls that anyone was attracted to.

I’m not even going to touch on my first relationship and how badly it shaped my young psyche.

This week I lost almost 4kg because I had a stomach flu thing. I am the lightest I have been in many many years. But I still can’t see myself realistically. I don’t have an eating disorder, I’m too fond of food for that. I do have a fucked up digestive system that means some days I can’t eat much, then other days I am fine. Swings and roundabouts.

Some would call it low self esteem. I don’t think it is. I just can’t see what others see in me. I can’t see why people would be attracted to me. Some days I crash through the looking glass and I can see reality. Not often enough.

I’m feeling introspective tonight. It will pass.

Unwell!

•March 5, 2015 • 2 Comments

I have been super unwell the last few days with a stomach flu thing. Oh boy. You know how it goes, plus aching all over, fevers and the ability to sleep for hours and hours, in between mind numbing stomach cramps.

Tonight I have eaten two slices of toast, with vegemite and had a glass of lemonade. So far so good.

Amusingly, I came across this advertisement in another blog, that I found rather fun.

My GP advised me to take tomorrow off as well, meaning I will have a 6 day long weekend! It’s just a shame it wasn’t a long weekend lazing on the shore of a tropical beach somewhere!

New Zealand!

•February 17, 2015 • 1 Comment

I’m just back from 5 days in New Zealand. It’s the first time I’ve visited, unless you count 2 hours in the airport as a stop over. I wasn’t prepared for the breathtaking beauty of the countryside. It is absolutely gorgeous.

I went over to shoot a wedding, which was held on the Friday. The wedding was wonderful, very picturesque and full of love and happiness. It was a pleasure to photograph.

Here’s a sneak peak of some of the pics I took. I have a LOT to go through, which I’m doing slowly. Editing is my least favourite part of the process!!

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The house we stayed in, located in Raumati South, was marvellous, with a picturesque view. It came with a kitten, Pebbles, who of course decided I was her bestie for the time I was there #madcatlady

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The view from the balcony, who wouldn’t want to wake up to this scenery every single morning??

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I so need to go back to NZ to tour around the country. I would love to spend a few weeks exploring its beauty.

Remember

•February 7, 2015 • Leave a Comment
Remember when we first met?
At the train station.

You got into my car, all nerves and energy.

And we just drove and ended up at the beach.

It wasn’t cold, but it wasn’t a hot night.

It was windy.

Some couple gave us their parking ticket so we didn’t have to pay.Later you gave it to me to put in my purse, to remember the date we first met.

We sat on the edge of the water and talked.

And I wondered who the hell you were. All stories and warnings.

There was something about you though, I’m still unsure what it was.

The thing that is missing in the majority of the people on this planet.

You are amazing and I wish you could see that.

There is a genius that lurks beneath.

All that exterior.

You’re strong, you forget that.

Your soul is beautiful. Hidden away.

Even from yourself.

The day we sat on the pier and actually talked about living together

And I daren’t breathe in case it weren’t real

The breakfasts.

Walking the dog.

A micro second of happiness

I will treasure it.

Farewell.

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What a week!

•February 7, 2015 • 2 Comments

My job has been draining the life blood out of me this week. I almost wept when someone told me it was a full moon, at least that explained why my clients were, well, difficult to say the least.

But Summer is back and I am happy with the warmth again. I was beginning to wonder if we’d ever get some decent weather or if we’d had our little burst of Summer and that was it.

I’ve spent today with a ridiculous headache, I even had a Nanna nap earlier to try to assist. It didn’t.

I’ve been slowly getting things together for my trip to New Zealand on Wednesday. Job one: find my passport. Successfully completed. Phew! I had to buy myself a spare SD card for my camera (I’m shooting a wedding) and I was quite shocked at the difference in prices. It pays to shop around. Some retailers were charging $20 more for the same product. I can’t see how they can even justify that.

I took my camera over to my sisters during the week to have a muck about with, taking pics of the kids. My niece will be 2 in a couple of weeks. Not sure how that has happened!!

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Apologies for the lack of words, I can barely string a sentence together at the moment.

 
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