Aftermath

•August 13, 2015 • 3 Comments

It’s been a really tough few days both physically and emotionally. After miscarrying on Sunday I’ve been at work on and off, but it’s been a real struggle. The bleeding has eased but the pain has continued unabated. It can be only described as someone digging away at my insides, with a rusty spoon.

So much so that I took myself back to hospital on Tuesday. Once again they were great, but they couldn’t do much as I can’t take much more than panadol/ibuprofen. They ran tests to ensure I wasn’t brewing an infection, which I wasn’t.

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I got sick of being there pretty quickly and was glad to come home to my own bed.

Today I lost the plot completely. Days worth of physical pain had worn me down and I felt like the world was an horrendous place.  The support I received was nothing short of marvellous, but nothing much could brighten my clouded mood. In the afternoon I had a follow up ultrasound. The radiologist confirmed there was still a lot of “material” being retained and this was what was causing my pain. Tomorrow I will see my GP to discuss options. I just want this over with, I want to move on. I feel like I am stuck in this world of pain and misery and I can’t find my way free. I’m just shattered.

She also gave me a scan from last week, when I got to see the baby’s heart beat. It took me a good couple of hours to be able to look at them. I now have something tangible, proof that there indeed once was a tiny little blobby being growing inside of me.

baby & heartbeat

The little dots on the left are the heart beat.

the baby

Hello little being

I will be okay, I just need time and closure.

Thank you to everyone who has sent me lovely messages over the last few days. It has been muchly appreciated.

I just found this article on pregnancy loss and it struck a chord with me. It’s very well written <3

Everything in its right place

•August 9, 2015 • 8 Comments

This weekend I have endured both pain and heart ache, yet I have also felt amazing compassion.

At 7.5 weeks pregnant, I knew what the odds were, of someone my age and with my history, actually having a viable pregnancy. But since finding out and subsequently seeing the flickering of this tiny beings heart, I felt attached and maternal. An almost foreign concept. Sure, I adore my niece and nephew and have no issues relating to and getting along with most kids. In fact I attract them, maybe they see the ridiculous big kid in me that I try so hard to hide from the sensible adult world.

When I discovered I was pregnant, I dared not breathe. I endured the waves of nausea, the hilarious bacon cravings, the going to bed before Nanna o’clock most nights.  I analysed my body. Being so very body aware, every little change I studied, wondering what lay ahead. I was fascinated and so very scared.

When the bleeding started it was light. I scoured the internet, early pregnancy bleeding was common. I didn’t feel any better. By the second day, it intensified a little more and I felt my anxiety rising. I wanted to bury my head under the doona, to block out my reality. I knew deep down that things were changing.

On day three (Saturday), with the bleeding I now had small period like cramps. Everything felt wrong. I debated with myself for a good hour, then drove alone to the hospital emergency department.  Sandringham Hospital staff were amazing. I felt cocooned in an amazing environment, being looked out for by people who genuinely cared. Who wanted to do what was right for me, a now fairly stressed out pregnant woman.

When the radiologist could find no heart beat, I knew I’d been right to trust my body.

It was all I could do to get back in my car and make it home. I felt like I could tear apart at the seams at any moment, and it would unleash the torrent of emotion within.

It wasn’t until that first embrace that I allowed myself to crack.

Then it was a waiting game.

On Sunday, after a lovely breakfast at a local cafe, we walked along the beach, talking, joking, existing. The pain was slowly ramping up and eventually I knew I needed to be back home. We debated going back to the hospital, I wasn’t sure I was strong enough for what lay ahead.

With hindsight, the only pain worse than what I was experiencing was when I had my liver surgery and subsequently got pancreatitis. I wanted to die on that occasion.

I felt like I was having contractions, 5 minutes apart. For a good two hours. Agonising. Excruciating.

What happened next I will never forget. But I will not describe it. I knew things were over.

I sobbed, feeling both utter sadness and relief.

Everything in its right place.

Almost immediately things eased and just felt like normal period cramps again.

My little tenant, even though I never got to hold you in my arms, it was my pleasure to have held you within my body. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out, I have no regrets.

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Winter woes

•July 24, 2015 • 5 Comments

I’ve been super unwell this week. What started out as a scratchy throat quickly turned into a chest infection and cough from hell. I feel miserable. I’ve had the last 2 days off work in a desperate attempt to feel somewhat normal again. It’s not really working too well.  I’m full of snot and gross.

This has meant I have been watching a lot of Netflix. Yep, I jumped on the bandwagon about a month ago. I get the UK version, coz I can.

I watched Orange is the New Black (S3) and to be honest, I was disappointed. It didn’t really grab me, I felt that I waded through the last half of the season and that it was a bit of a chore.

I’ve also just finished Sense8, which I really liked. It took me a while to get into it, as it has a lot of diverse character development and flicks from one scene to the next to the next. I fell in love with bad boy Wolfgang just a little, but I also adored kick ass Sun.  I’d recommend it if you like things that are a little different.

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I have started watching Mr Robot, and I really dug the first episode. I’m holding out to watch the rest of the episodes I have with a friend on the weekend, I hope it continues to be great.

My anime addiction appears to have subsided a little, but not completely. I will pick that one back up soon I’m sure. I finished Psycho Pass recently, which I really enjoyed. I started on Death Note a while ago, I need to continue with that too.

So I’ve been very quiet due to illness. I’m sure this will change. Maybe ;)

We’ll go dreaming

•June 30, 2015 • 3 Comments

I’ve been having super vivid dreams since the weekend. Right now, I couldn’t even tell you what they’re about. I am going to put some paper and a pen next to my bed, so I can jot things down if I feel inclined to (if it continues).

I do know that I’ve been waking up feeling overwhelmed and uneasy. This morning that cumulated in an almost full blown freak out at the world. I felt panicky and unsure about everything and I just wanted to stay in bed and hide.  Instead I got in the car, put on some Tool and sang, really loudly. I may be a tad deafer as a result.

I really hate it when I feel like this. I’m usually confident in myself and self assured. Not in an arrogant dick kinda way. But I’ve been on this planet for long enough and been through enough really shit times to know my place in the world. I am comfortable with who I am. This morning I felt genuine dread and horror. And I’m not sure why.

It didn’t last too long. I roused myself out of it and when I got to work my colleagues were chatty and I focused on my client visits. My first clients were proper bonkers, I walked away feeling manic and ridiculous. I’m fairly sure I annoyed the pants off everyone for the rest of the day!!

Anyway, I am rolling with the mood, who knows how I’ll wake up feeling tomorrow. Here’s to happy and at ease with the universe!

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Distracting myself

•June 21, 2015 • 1 Comment

1: Talk about the first time you watched your favourite movie.

Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. I was confused and ecstatic and freaked out and loved it all at once.

2: Talk about your first kiss.

I don’t remember it! It may have been my neighbour! (not current hot neighbour, that was disappointing!)

3: Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense feelings for.

This person grew on me. The first time around I wasn’t that enamoured. The second time around I was too scared to feel anything, but I couldn’t walk away. I didn’t want to admit that I even liked this person. How they made me feel. They’re from my tribe. My what if.

4: Talk about the thing you regret most so far.

Not asking my Mum more about her life and my life when I was a child. There are so many things I wish I knew and now it’s too late to ask.

5: Talk about the best birthday you’ve had.

My 40th was good. I spent it with my family. I was dreading it for weeks, then a couple of days before I suddenly felt at peace with the whole thing. We spent a lovely night out at a restaurant. I don’t remember a lot of my birthdays. My 30th was a lot of fun, at least the photos look good!!

6: Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had.

The worst lead up, but the actual night was fun. I woke up on the day of my 21st with food poisoning. I was throwing up like crazy, I was so very very sick. I had to go and have an injection to stop the vomits.

Of course because my stomach was empty, the night was a hoot because I got drunk very quickly and ran amok.

7: Talk about your biggest insecurity.

I worry that I’m a fraud and that I have no idea what I am doing.

8: Talk about the thing you are most proud of.

I’m most proud of the work that I do. It gives me a lot of happiness to be able to help people, to see them grow, to watch them flourish.

9: Talk about little things on your body that you like the most.

My scars are my favourite things. Because I have huge stories that go with them. I went through hell to get them, so I’m proud of then. But they’re not little….

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10: Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had.

I’m not really a fighter. Growing up I had some pretty huge fights with my Mum, because we were very similar. We used to clash heads a lot. Once I moved out we were fine, just under the same roof was a bit too much.

11: Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had.

Ha ha ha ha, now that would be giving away all the secrets that hide in the compartments of my subconscious mind!

12: Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had.

I used to dream about Mum dying, a lot. I mean for years before she died.

13: Talk about the first time you had sex.

Gosh, I was just 17, or almost 17. It was really average. Really really average. I’m so glad it’s not average now!!

14: Talk about a vacation.

Every year we would go to Port Elliott in South Australia. I have so many amazing memories of that place. The wildness of the ocean, the cliffs and the rocks. The windswept shoreline. I really do want to go back some day and reconnect with it.

boomer

15: Talk about the time you were most content in life.

I’m content on and off. It’s an ever changing thing I guess. I was content when I lived in the UK. I felt like I belonged. I felt like I was more ‘me’ than I had been in a long long time.

16: Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to.

Gods Kitchen June 2001.

I have a stand out memory of John 00 Fleming dropping this track:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6i-JoOYj-o

Dancing with my hands in the air, grinning like a lunatic and everyone going berserk. The sun was just coming up and the stadium was starting to light up. My friend was down from Sydney and the night was perfect. I’m getting teary just thinking about it.

Fen & Loz!

Oh wait! Also… NYE 2011… before I got super sick. My last hurrah in a way, I knew I was going to have surgery, just didn’t know I would almost not make it. The Trash Masque with Amanda Palmer & Neil Gaiman. Oh what a night that was. I’ll let the pics do the talking (and yes I was fat, my body was not working properly, as I was about to find out)

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17: Talk about someone you want to be friends with.

I’m friends with all the people I want to be friends with. If I’m not it’s because I haven’t met them yet!

18: Talk about something that happened in primary school.

I was short, really short. It was a good time for me. I was nerdy, I liked girls way before I knew boys existed. Science was my favourite class and we dissected things!!

19: Talk about something that happened in high school.

Our year was super bitchy. I didn’t feel that I fit in with many people. But I wasn’t unhappy. In year 9 I travelled overseas with my family for 2 months!

20: Talk about something that happened in uni.

I procrastinated wildly for the entire time and learned that I can fly by the seat of my pants very successfully.

21: Talk about a time you had to turn someone down.

I turned a guy down once who then made it his mission in life to cause as much trouble for me as he possibly could. He made complaints about me at work and I got in trouble for things I never even did or said. Thankfully someone else overheard him talking about it with someone and he was found out. It was such a confusing time for me.

22: Talk about your worst fear.

I fear losing people. It’s irrational and it freaks people out, but it’s there. It’s as a direct result of my Mum dying. I am a lot better than I used to be.

23: Talk about a time someone turned you down.

Um, no idea. Obviously nothing that bad stands out for me for this one!

24: Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot.

My Mum wrote me a letter before she died and I got if afterwards. I still have it, I cherish that letter and everything she wrote in it.

25: Talk about an ex-best friend.

Not a best friend, but a friend nonetheless. We hung out a lot, she was going to get married. I went to every dress fitting, did everything with and for her. She asked me to plan the hens night and I told her (politely) it wasn’t my thing. I was out of her life faster than you can blink. Apparently that is unforgivable. Yup

26: Talk about things you do when you’re sick.

Feel awful. Cry. Wish my Mum was here to make me feel better.

27: Talk about your favourite part of someone else’s body.

Your hands, your fingers. Long and strong. I love it when you touch me with them, when you wind them through my hair or entwine your fingers in mine.

28: Talk about your fetishes.

I guess it’s no secret that I’m a kinky lass. I have quite a few fetishes. I’ll leave it at that I think ;)

29: Talk about what turns you on.

Intelligence, good conversation, laughter, chocolate. Certain smells, certain ways of being, certain sounds. Music, happiness. Having someone submit to me, trust me implicitly.

30: Talk about what turns you off.

Ignorance, a lack of empathy, dishonesty. Sniffing, goodness me, use a tissue. Dragging your feet – do you have lead weights in your shoes? Body odour of the unhygienic kind. I like a natural smell, but not when you smell like you haven’t washed in days and it assaults my senses.

31: Talk about what you think death is like.

I think it’s like nothing. You die and that’s it. You’re no longer aware.

32: Talk about a place you remember from your childhood.

Where I grew up – Upper Beaconsfield. Idyllic, beautiful, interesting, bordering on perfect. You couldn’t ask for a better place for a child to grow up and learn about the world.

33: Talk about what you do when you are sad.

I listen to music, I take photos, if I am really sad I sleep. I switch off from the world and pretend it doesn’t exist for a bit.

34: Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured.

Having a guide wire threaded through just below my chest and into my liver, all without anaesthetic, because the medical team were a bunch of dicks. Or maybe the pancreatitis I endured for 3 days when I wished I was dead, when the morphine did nothing and I just cried and cried and cried.

35: Talk about things you wish you could stop doing.

I wish I could stop being so lazy and become more motivated to exercise. I suck at that.

36: Talk about your guilty pleasures.

Lindt chocolate with zesty lime. Oh yes it is so very good. I don’t feel guilty about much though, not pleasurable things, I refuse to feel guilt over something that gives me pleasure. I’m an Epicurean.

37: Talk about someone you thought you were in love with.

Have I ever been in love? What is love?

38: Talk about songs that remind you of certain people.

The whole album by The XX – Coexist reminds me of someone who I cared deeply for who was too broken for my world.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_nW5AF0m9Zw&list=PLadHJ3xCi0cnjzPXsA5H7JnnMDZumqZ2E

39: Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier.

I wish I’d known how sick I was going to become and how much it would affect me. Not sure what I would have done about it.

40: Talk about the end of something in your life.

Everything ends. I used to be one of the most anxious people ever. I hid it very well. Anxiety used to consume my mind every waking hour of every single day. It never let up. I often despaired that I could not go through life like this. It was exhausting. But things changed and now I don’t often suffer from anxiety. Or if I do, I know how to counteract it. I’m living proof that you can change and you can over come anxiety.

the pain response

•June 16, 2015 • 12 Comments

I have just had a horrendous day. I’ve discovered just how effective codeine was for me, and what my future looks like now I can’t take it anymore. I’ve spent most of today trying not to cry from the pain. Panadol with nurofen just doesn’t cut it when it comes to the pain from endometriosis. At all.

I went straight to my GP’s office tonight and had a frank and open chat with him. He basically told me what I already know, that I’m out of options. I’m now allergic to every strong pain killer there is. Panadol with nurofen is my only option now and it doesn’t even touch the sides of my pain. I feel like I need to reconcile myself with this new state of affairs. I feel like I want to have a tantrum, like a small child, and wail at the shittiness of it all. But to be honest I’m feeling numb. I spent all day breathing deeply, trying not to vomit, trying to breathe through the pain. I’m exhausted.

Most of all, I do not want to become defined by this. The last 6 years have been really tough on my body. Endometriosis and subsequent surgery. Then a fuck off big tumour, followed by major surgery. If that wasn’t enough, I had complications followed by 3 infections whereby I almost didn’t make it, followed by more major surgery. Pain and I were definitely on first name terms. Especially when I started developing allergies to everything. Oxycontin, tramadol, ketamine, endone, okay let’s just say the entire Phenanthrene family. Morphine is in there, my GP says chances are I’ll now be allergic to that too. I laughed when he said that, because Fentanyl is ineffective – it has no effect on me whatsoever, despite it being stronger than morphine.

Anyway, I refuse to let this define who I am as a person. One thing that I am determined to do is try to live as much of a normal life as I can, even with all this carnage that is my body falling apart around me!!  My body is marvellous, I am still alive despite everything that has happened. My liver now functions normally, despite it only being 3/4 there. Okay my digestive system is shot, but it’s not completely wrecked. For a 40 year old I think I am in good shape, I just need to nurture myself a little more.

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I’d normally apologise for the nudity, but we’re all adults and this is art! Or me naked. Whatever. I’m embracing my battered body and I’m saying out loud (you’d here me if you were here, muttering away to myself) that it’s time to love this broken ship I’m steering about. I’m going to find some yoga to participate in and I’m going to start exercising more.

We all need to practise more self care, I urge you all to do it for yourselves. We often forget, or get too busy or are too tired. Which reminds me, my eyebrows are shocking… ha ha!

Right, I’m feeling delirious and ever so tired.

Fin.

I know!

•June 14, 2015 • 2 Comments

I’ve been terrible at posting in my blog, no real excuses other than things have been busy. I had to purchase a wireless keyboard to go with the mac, as the space key got stuck on and I pulled it off to ‘fix it’. This rendered it fairly unusable and getting into the Apple repair shop means a long wait. So in the interim I have a cheap logitech keyboard that I am using, which has a mouse tracking pad on the side of it. It will do until I get things fixed.

I had a long long weekend last weekend, four days off, which was divine. I caught up with lots of people and by the end felt like I had been nourished by everyone. Of course this weekend I have virtually been a hermit, swings and roundabouts. Little Finn is 9 months old today!! He’s adorable. I went to the beach with my sister and the kids yesterday, on a balmy Winter’s day. Both kids had bare bums and did not seem to care that it wasn’t Summer!!

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While everyone else is bingeing on Orange is the New Black, I am bingeing on Psycho Pass. It’s an anime show, I am addicted to anime at the moment. I just finished Tokyo Ghoul and Shin Sekai Yori – the latter of which I adored the pants off. I’m almost done with Psycho Pass and I will be sad when that’s finished. I’ve enjoyed the series.

Music wise I’ve really been getting into Leftfield’s album – Alternative Light Source. It takes me back to the days of progressive house, those halcyon times where I’d be out dancing all weekend. It’s reawakened those desires in me, but I’m too bloody old to be doing that nonsense!!

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Sorry for the lack of updates, I shall endeavour to write more often.

 
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